over-confident

…many ups n downs in my life… but among the one of my most embarrassing moment of my life… what i learnt frm this is not to b over confident on self and not to be careless on the responsibilities thats given to be done.

i don’t know how n frm where to start out frm but i wish i could stop the time just for some while…. i know everyone wants to stop the time, which is not possible, might b time also wants us to learn from our mistakes done due to negligence.

i could n only wish, wish i could help but until last moment i tried my best, mine bad luck rather than to curse on time.  I was always proud on myself n my abilities but today i came to realize that it was nothing m hopeless n helpless, good for nothing…. kamai na lagne manche; don’t wanna go too rough on self… Though m familiar with my abilities at work, it sometimes makes me feel proud that i suddenly slip from the top to bottom. After all for this long experiences that i have collected, my knowledge on computer is enough(though not enough) for me to figureout what exactly m capable of…

m not a computer geek, but though i didn’t take too much of classes about computer, its just i feel its easy to learn things doing practically then to go theoretically… so i have a limitation of my knowledge whatever i think or do, its upto my extreme, but this extreme sometime isn’t sufficient and most of the time i regret, what if i had choose some better profession… my bad???!!!

…fantasy…

…character in this article is fictitious, any resemblance to any person is purely co-incidental…

She… Where do I start because it is just hard to describe from my way, abt her in simple words. How hard may I try to describe her, I will never be able to do justice to her description or else i would be exaggerating about her. Even for the short notice period being with her  I will try my way to some extent…

She is amazing girl I know. First sight; she’s smart. Though she is not that typical type of beautiful to be chosen from the crowd. But knowing her internal beauty is much more which i always appreciate.

There is so much depth in her eyes that you feel like drowning. Though i have not got that much of opportunity to be with her but if moment I would be surely fascinated to just look into her eyes and feel myself lost. Polite n humble; while she talks I just simply go deaf.  Though i don’t stare at her eyes, I could feel the innocence in her eyes would portray.

Smile!! There would be a little dimple on her cheek when she smiles, I could feel the happiness in her filling with a cute dimple. Trying to make her happy to laugh loud would always be my intention even if I have to pretend to be angry with her (though it doesn’t always happen) & sometime I would comment on her way to make her feel funny making sure that dimple appeared on her face TO SMILE. Trust me her first impression will certainly attract you towards her.

She has short hair not that short but it look good on her. She knew how to carry her hair around. Though I have no idea whether she likes long or short hair… They were beautiful and silky too touch(though i have never touched). Quite often i have notice she likes colouring her hair.

Her skin; smooth and fair. Holding her hands and her cheeks forever wouldn’t be any of my problem, never letting her go away from me. Sitting nearby with her, I could smell her forever.

Personality is very humble & polite with full of respect not only to me but to everyone. Like listening to her all the time would always be a pleasure. Her speech is melodious that could easily make anyone lost in her speech. Polite & respect is always carried with her words. Even if she’s angry with you, she never makes you feel, smile always occupies with her talk. She never carries attitude in  her. Though I haven’t yet faced her anger(sayad hola hai), even if she says me not to make her angry since she says she’s worst when she’s angry.

There is so much to write but I do not have proper words to describe her. But then I think maybe I have lack of words… might be that would impress her with my words for her to have some feelings for me to be with me…

…i think i know about her a lot but do i really know and am i justifying with the description???

…changes…

You may have noticed that I have not been updating this blog as often as previously. Never see me sad these days not even hard phases on my blog too. Acute! Clever! Yeah, well, these things happen. Basically, I have been extremely busy, “With what, obviously with my gf?” you might be thinking. Well, you never know!!!

Anyway a good way to start about my life thats going on from might b couple of month or year(I don’t know)…. I just don’t know y people have found a lot changes on me. M not objecting on the truth that people express their views about me. Some part are true whereas some might not be. What you always see n hear aren’t always the truth, an illusion or a mirage might b. Life doesn’t flow in the same path and one direction. Else like mine life has different phase, path, direction & stoppages where i wished to go &  gone in different way. At some point i regret, sometime happy, excitment & even sometime thanking god & most of the time cursing on self. So I have lived my life in different way, most of the time u can say sacrificing for many things. Might b from my point of view it was looking like sacrifice but it didn’t seemed to rest of the world how i was living. Had a lots of down rather than up since from my childhood as far as i remember.  Mine childhood stage; i don’t remember, my teenage life; a little n now at the age of 30 i have a very few memories abt myslf.

BAD PHASES :You’ve got to face them. How long can you keep running away from a problem? If there is a problem and you keep running away for six months or a year, the problem is not solved. You face the problem, understand what the consequences are. Never run away… Being at the happiest moments is what we accept life to be but when we feel sad n feel loneliness then we think that isn’t life what we want… Its never always with what we want or wish. Wishes always never come true. Until you don’t step ahead to make ur wish come true, nothing gonna happen.  But y exactly we don’t see happy n sad as two sides of life like as head n tail in a coin. If we welcome happiness easily then you need to even accept sorrow n pain also; they are part of life. Living with the sorrow and pain always isn’t the best way. As we can’t always be happy so sometime we live in pain and again happiness n this continuous. I won’t say i never had happy moments in my life but sorrow n pain had a lot in my life that i don’t remember when i was happy or my happy moments.

‘Mero maan thik chaina’, ‘m not in mood to talk’, ‘you can’t understand me’ etc etc… r dialouges we say when we are in pain or sorrow. We try avoiding people n live with the pain within self, until sudden miracles doesn’t happen or another incident doesn’t occur. To share happiness we find lots of people but when we sad then we find none who understands us. Well, my thought is that none can understand anyone. So until you don’t create an environment and tell what exactly happened none can help or advice or might can give time to listen; who knows some miracle might happen. Some genius once had told me, sharing your feelings always makes you feel better, if you can’t share then just note it down somewhere and express all whatever you have in your mind…… its always satisfaction n makes u feel better….

“Never live in illusion that someone will approach you with miracle, understand you and your problem even without saying a single word”

I was like a frog of well, who knows only within that particular well he/she lives around, but the true world is very different, out of our imagination. We need to struggle in each and every second of life. People fight for their rights, fight for living, fight for their happiness. After i left bhadrapur, i here came to know what struggle is, how to keep pain, sorrow aside and try walking ahead. I know its hard to move forward but until you don’t try u can never get through. Its not only me who’s has sorrow n pain in life, there are lots of people around me whose pain n sorrow are nothing in front of mine. Being inspired from the situation and keeping my focus on my aim n happiness i always am able to keep aside my pain n sorrow which i always carry within me.

jaanma dine parents le ta chora-chori ko marma  bujididainan bhane aru le afno maan ko kura bhujla bhanera ta na soche pani huncha

Its only a dream, not in real life anyone can read anyone’s mind. I always expect someone to come hold my hand and say i understand your feelings, though it only sounds good on sentences. Until you don’t say or your express you never gonna get shoulder to lean on. Truth, you need to face. Living with the past is only ruining the present life. We need to keep sorrow and pain aside and walk ahead to make your dream life come true with happiness and fun.

…believe fiction but don’t live with it…

Parental Judgement???

Y do parents always think they are always correct ??? (different answers)

I think we respect them, want them happy b’coz they are our parents…

a child is usually better looking, smart, educated and well enough to adapt in any environment, he’s also more likely to understand the need of the times but still parents think that they need more to understand what is best. He consults for all matters of their children, he finds it tough to accept that a child has gone way beyond…

Sometimes parents takes their duty to seriously. A father will insist on giving backseat instructions even if the son is driving perfectly. A mother will impart wordly knowledge seriously even if the daughter can actually teach her mom a lesson or two on the subject. Different incident happening daily in each n every family.

“…being father of a son doesn’t mean father is expert!!! ….lived life more than a son doesn’t mean he’s fully experienced in every aspect!!!”

If this goes on inbetween generation then it will result one day for frustrated children to say their parents “just chill!!!”

Children probably just need a bit of guidance and sympathy while parents insist on smothering them with instruction. Parents should be neither anchor to hold back a child, nor sail to take them forward. But what is critical is to grow with time and not just understand but be one with the change of environment as life moves on. Experiences is no doubt important.

My father wanted me to be an engineer(mechanical engineer) a tea specialist as he thought i would earn lots of money since there are lots of tea factory in our area(had good scope on that time). He send me to the the faculty of science where i failed twice before i could clear the exams. I wasn’t interested in science rather knowing that i got lowest marks in my slc exam… So, finally just to please dad, i joined a computer institute until i could pass my back papers. I got interest in computers and very soon dissolved in; got a job in same institution with effective salary(Rs.1000/- my first salary). And so on joined WorldLink; an ISP. Who had expected or dream that i would one day be a computer ko mistiri(technician)…

So, a father needn’t always know best. Neither was it father’s idea for me to join computer classes nor had i dream my future in computer. I knew what am capable of and what not and yet went along with my dad’s insistence despite several failures, though i was luck finally enough to be able to stand on my own leg, and here i am now with a good salary n reputation and every1 knows me in my place for my talent making my father feel proud(not exaggerating myslf).

Mine story isn’t that awful, i have seen lots of stories; children who sacrifice their whole life to keep their parents happy. Well i don’t say they shouldn’t but i don’t think they are happy internally. Many of them carry on with their family business respecting their parents decision even though having different interest in life. Its like even though business goes fine and u earn lots of money but u’ll be finding something missing in your life… An egoistic father to maintain his prestige thinks he’s always correct(in decision taking) even not knowing what exactly their children wants taking the silence of their children as agreement & happiness. A son/daughter compromise to please their parents. One time decisions for career making & marriage comes only once in life, the next second after decision changes rest of your life forever; so y let it go just like that n sacrifice your one time life, which comes only once. euta karan maile dekheko PAISA pani ho; aaba prashna aaucha main reason paisa ho ki ego/respect …

the only word you have in the dictionary to realize for your mistake is “REGRET” (maile janeko); u don’t get 2nd chance…

We have to understand what is best for us. If we learn to listen to the rhythm of our body, mind & heart and base our choices on that, we cannot go wrong. It doesn’t meant that we are always right. But, choices made from our instincts are likely to be better than the best considered choices anyone  make for us.  Yes, even the parents and we shouldn’t forget that advices should always be appreciated; from every1.

Sometime i blame my parents for whatever i am today from my behaviour to what i am today. I am earning money and taking care of my family, but do i see happy internally; who will know me better??? Why am i blaming; u might b curious thinking it was my choice; i could have continued my dad’s job being a good cop but well situation wasn’t that lucky enough for me though i wanted to join army in the worst condition of our country fighting against Maoists. I never had choice in my life. Computer is everything in my life today. I always tried avoiding my parents  and still today i avoid them even though how much love they show me that they always care about me & i know they really love me…

I am thankful and proud to be my parent’s son!!!!!!!!(do i have choices???)

…point of attraction…

…no way keeping in mind to gain anyone’s attraction or sympathy i write my feelings on this blog…

Good enough to alert your vision with above sentence; i guess… People write out thoughts on diary, some on books, computer  & even some write on their mind. Different ways to keep safe.  It’s the way how u express your feelings; some display their thought and few keep it hidden. Everyone tries to keep the happiest moment or the moments which they don’t wanna forget, but what if  some people who want to remember the worst part of their life… People share their feelings, what abt those who can’t, having none to tell to; what if can’t even express… Sometime due to ego, dignity & shame people don’t express rather they keep on living with the thoughts and in a way that keeps killing a person slowly slowly…

I am not the one to read anyone’s mind; here again m saying its just an imagination & experiences collected.

Whatever i have written till now its all with related to my life; might be more of worst part than having good sides. Lots of people comments & suggest me not to write abt personal life, and not to throw myslf so deeply with words on a commercial way. Well, I have lots of answer to reply. But usually my problem is ‘not caring’. Might b i don’t wanna care, what other people think abt me & my thoughts… What if it might not be the exact incident that never happened in my life, what if i just imagination or just seen or heard or read it somewhere else… Well only i find is the truth, so there’s no any question of being self centered. I just try to feel the situation myslf, have a pain on myslf and the same pain i just convert into my words and display on this blog… I have faced lots of pain in my life, but i just wanna know am i only the one in this world to suffer or does other people also carry pains; thinking who’s the worst…  Some go through pain easily with the situation while some live it with for rest of the life…

Many people even might be thinking that i want to share my feelings &  thoughts expressing in words. I don’t even remember of my childhood period; my happy moments but whatever i remember is my awful moment atleast i can capture them and frame it somewhere where i can always see it . Well, it depends on the way how u read my mind; i guess… Living with past has its own taste of life, people think it weird but i find it fun, it teaches a lot to learn through mistakes, incidents, facts & lots of experiences too…

…don’t be surprised!!! you not the only one who finds me strange, its everyone whoever knows me… a stranger with mysterious thoughts…

…NEVER JUDGE ME READING MY BLOG…

…random thought…

though m tired; sleep isn’t coming today… kehi kaam garunjel ma euta naya article nai kina na lekhne(y not utilize the time writing somethg new)… at times you may have several ideas, but circumstances may be such that you just do not get the time to work out or even write… in my case whenever i lay down on bed at night i have lots of thoughts those i wanna write on my blog but like steam all thoughts evaporate with the open eyes of morning until i open laptop to write somethg… I just hope this post doesn’t become one “khichdi” of all the thoughts that are revolving around my head. So, I will try and focus on one thing (at a time) but well i can’t… Why are thoughts just randomly flowing in my mind? Why do previous soulful memories come back and make the thoughts even complicated??? Do memories make life miserable in the way we behave and think? I am trying to forget but the past comes back to haunt me,will I never get over it???? Somebody help me!!! Playing with thoughts sometime makes crazy and even go mad…

Is there a rule or procedure to forget things we don’t wanna remember?? What would life be easy & possible like we replace a battery of CPU board to reset the time & restart with new date & time.  Just press Shift+Delete on keyboard to delete the files of computer those not needed, which doesn’t even go to recycle bin. Y can’t our memories be deleted whichever we don’t wanna remember. Sayad…, tara hudaina ra po ni … Few days back i download first season of  DOLL HOUSE, a tv serial that comes on FOX TV where people’s memory are erased n imprinted with new personalities as per on demanded; when will our life be infected in this way.  Might b its computer; non living things whereas we are human beings, we live with emotions & feelings… Man created machines, i wish machine creates man, human beings with microchip  but what will be the difference between human & machines; difference needed… Y am i starting with machines now, is it because m depressed right now & so don’t wanna feel emotion or are my emotions totally dead. Its nothg like that, my thoughts are always like this… Whatever might b my condition it doesn’t effect my thoughts, imagine life without feelings & emotions… y can’t we stop the time, rewind the time correct the mistakes and start a new beginning, well i guess for this we gonna wait until for the generation creates time machine to travel on time(huncha hola kunai din)…

Thoughts are always scattered all over my mind, its just a matter of time for me to collect it n give a nice shape with great look… but having many question within myslf which i can’t expose openly here and even can’t share with anyone… at a time i go crazy; as above; i don’t know what might I start writing here; no topic no clue no shape…

sometime even i think whats the importance of my existence in this world, am i to do only the responsibilities(rules) to follow carried out since a long time… well its really hard for me; it’s suffocation but what to do, i have no choice…  i can’t figureout what exactly do i wanna write(despite having lots to write), why have i to write???  It makes me think to know what life is all about… And I’m pretty sure that the incredibly silly dramas & conflicts I’ve gone through in the past, are certainly NOT what life is meant to be about; finding happiness in loneliness… I always find loneliness as the happiest moment. It might not even be 1 percent of what I meant to live even though I’ve not learnt any real lesson yet(frankly speaking), so I want to learn & so m trying to learn the real phase of life & purpose of its existence… I guess God didn’t create me and send just to inhabit in this world without a certain purpose just only doing the deed for survival…

y am sad,, depressed, dissatisfied myslf for s2pid reasons… might be too much thinking is injurious to health, it kills… y the hell am i spoiling my present for no good reasons thinking abt the past; blaming others & even myslf for the situations… Its my loneliness where i always am so happy with myslf, living with no emotions and thoughts; own life…. So, I  have totally stopped caring for others and stopped worrying abt anythg, i don’t care of anythg; why the hell should i ???  m always ready to face with anythg at any time that comes on my way ahead, well so from now onwards no any reason for me to be sad… live the life freely; the best way to make ur present time as a good present; living my life in my way for myslf not for others…

baje haru bhanne garthe; budhhi ta palayo tara dhilai bhaye pani palayeko ma ramro…

…Past is gone and none knows future so y not be happy living in present; d best way…

P.S. : Expectation from me is O% now onwards…

…A Friendship Gift…

Today is friendship day, to remember all of your friends and to let them know you still remember them and always b indeed whenever in need… Does it need a particular day to express your feelings about how u feel & even let know that u always there; well i guess not… anyway sometime things need an appropriate time to happen and here it goes;

Last few days have been somewhat dry, (not all unlike the weather…) I haven’t been doing too much. Wasting time during the day, reading (computer stuff), watching movies, listening songs and sometime just floating stories all over the mind, not fully engaged…

Few days back it was interesting. Late night in office doing some work, when she came online and said she’s irritated with the circumstances she was facing these days… She wanted to read someth’g abt her on my blog. Might b at the moment she wanted to be fresh; well how would I miss the opportunity to do so…

Frankly speaking, well m not a poet so can’t describe about you in a different way. All whatever i have written is in my own language and what really means to me. Had been thinking of writing for sometime about you; the right moment seems now…

Its been through a long phase of life with good, interesting and some really hard time… throughout all the years I have known you, you have always pushed me to work harder and do the best for more because you can basically do everything and anything. Your motivation is what keeps me going without which I would never know if I am going the right direction for whatever I am today…

first thing i wud say is thank u, i mean really THANK-YOU. I just can’t imagine life without you, from fun to worst part of life from tears to fears… Everywhere the people who seem to fit are frenz, but the real fact about a friend is about being urself, not pretending, just being true, saying whatever u feel like without thinking about the consequences, being the weirdest of all and not being judged as an idiot/physco, talking for long & even calling sometime in wrong time just to say “hi” and not even asking “am i disturbing u”. The excitement & the glow is always on my face, whenever m with you… you are such an amazing person. You have pushed me to be a better friend to the people I care about, which definitely includes you. Thanks once again for everythg…

The first time I came to know you is still flashing in front of me, u kept urself hidden after the “buzz” disturbance while I was busy typing some document. It took me nearly a week period to identify you until u introduced yourself; the moment you told me to scan few photos. I was shocked, it was U(i had imagined someone else). While I don’t remember the conversation but I remember the feeling that I had met someone so immensely special. In short period we came to know each other. We talked for hours through chat even though we sat side by side, few steps apart. It always made me scared to talk to you being infront; still am. Haven’t you realized, its always so hard for me to call you by your name. Might be I wasn’t that matured to talk to a girl on my duty hours to give you enough time & talk politely. Being away from you without letting you know was d most scariest. The short period despite of two years was an awesome period for me with all the fun being with you. Your smile, your way of talking(listening you); the presence of your step inside the room always kept charm on my face…

The two years we were the best of friends, and I thanked god for having you in my life. U left for higher studies, but no matter where you went you were always there for me, by email, phone n even instant messenger… Jai hoYahoo Messenger!!!

Although I didn’t get to know you well until the time U left, I could always say you were an awesome friend!!! Your amazing personality has always brightened my day, even when I was so tired of work or frustrated with problems, your presence has always made me feel calm and relaxed and everything seems to be alright(even if it’s not).

Frankly speaking, I have never gone so crazy for anything or anyone and was confident of never falling for anyone bcoz basically, I’m tough & stoner(by nature). But you proved me wrong. Ever since I’ve met you, there has been a drastic change in my attitude, my look, my way of speaking to people(and definitely my style). In fact, I’ve begun to see the world with your eyes;i really mean it. So for whatever I am all credit goes to you, no words to describe U, how much happy am I to have you in my life…

If I have ever hurt you unknowingly, I know I have hurt you lots of time;  through here,  I just wanna tell SORRY all from the depth of my heart… its just coz I have a totally different way of thinking of gals which is very hard to change… always taught to be tough and never to trust anoyone but my belief in life has been changed ever since I met you… This is becuase now i know trust can be natural… I know forgiveness isn’t what I deserve from you… Wish my belief never betrays me again…

You are totally different, specific, polite, calm, sweet, lovely, cheerful, sincere, caring, always aware of the time, polite(sometime rude), humbleness & always charming personality, having a lot to talk but never saying more, rather wanting me to understand just reading face; sorry for not able to read face…

I sometime feel quite bad abt myslf, y can’t I be once polite to you n understand you. Y it makes me always feel guilty n not suitable for you to match being one of your good friend; n so sometime even i disappear(i guess u have noticed)… No matter what I say, I feel that words will never be enough to express the way I feel about you. The way you smile, the way u talk, make face when angry, your sweet nature and every single aspect of yours simply charms. It really feels like heaven being in your presence even if it’s for a single second. Do you remember I always say you, even single second is meaningful for me being with you. The true meaning of a ‘Friend’ is one with whom you can dare to be yourself and I guess I’ve found that meaning in U(FUCHU).

I have always found a true friend, philosopher and guide in you (& may be more than that). All worry, tension, stress gets absolutely disappeared with your presence. The world seems to be a much better place in your presence. Thanks for all the love, support, care and concern that you have always given me and thanks for always being with me through ‘thick’ and ‘thin’. From the time you have been into my life, my life has undergone a massive change coz I know that no matter what happens, I will always have you standing beside me and saying ‘I am there for you’. These words are sufficient for me to pass my life; needing nothing more.

One thing is for sure that I may forget the world and also myself but will never ever forget you. I miss you so much my dear friend. Whenever I’m in a tough situation, all I have to do is think about you and your sweet face comes to my mind easing all pain, all worries, all tensions and whatever challenges there may be in front of me. I guess it’s a great way to deal with situation even having lots of pains, isn’t it?? But listen….please promise me one thing, that you’ll never forget me and that you’ll always be my dearest friend; mero barosa bhane chain chaina. I may be gone from this world but I want our friendship to live on forever and…ever and….ever……

You r just amazing and wonderful, you stand by me in all kinds of situations, and ready to pick me up every time I fall; won’t u??? U are the best part of my life. I remember you every day. It feels like a burden to pass a single day without being in touch with you. The moment of your one phone call, ur voice brings charms on me. Your absence simply kills… my life seems incomplete and there seems to be a void without your presence. No matter how far u might b but i can always feel u beside me…

THANK U once again my sweet friend for tolerating me till now… Just wana tell one thing, you hold a very special place in the core of my heart and you will always remain there till the day I breathe my last.

A gift for you on today’s date for us to celebrate one another anniversary of our FRIENDSHIP… !!!!

P.S. kunai galti lekhe ma क्षमा  pau hajur…

Sunday, 2nd August 2009

…my 1 regret…

…going through the old stuff in my room, I came across an old diary; i used to write on… I just went reading through, while it didn’t even take me another one more second to remember the face abt whom i had written. All at once so many memories flooded over my brain that i just sat on the chair n started remembering. Because looking back up at me was not only the girl who used to be my girl-friend, but also the girl who was my best friend for over a decade, a girl who helped me figure out who I was & accepted me whatever I was…  By now things have changed a lot… I thought a lot before i write it, but i just wanna let you know whatever on my mind about you. After reading might b people are gonna ask me, but my silence will represent mysterious…

I first met her on my first year of college, I can remember everything about the first time I saw her; entrace to class, I guess moments revolves around mind when it involves someone whom you love so much and for so long. She walked into class, wearing a light green kurta on top & a pair of  light denim Jeans below, she had black lil curly hair and I remember that I couldn’t take my eyes off  her until guys poke me for staring at her. Whenever we would have practical classes I would make sure that I could get into her group so I could just be near her. For which I had to papad beling with the stupid lab guy, until he was convienced. I worked so hard to get up the courage to even talk to her until that one day. It was the day in biology practical class; we had to dissect frog & i helped her till bathroom until she vomit all over the floor

After that I would walk after class with her and we would talk for a few moments. I wasn’t that always interested in science but whenever we met, she always use to start the topic with the book stuff; despite i got little bore but being with her was awesome and even more to know abt her & her ambition. Our one year college just passed out like this, though i was close with her, but still i didn’t knew much abt her. At the end of  1st year of college I tried so hard to ask for her phone number but I couldn’t. As the second year started she was nowhere to be found, and my days there were filled with memories and regret. I had a lot to think of why suddenly she disappeared without letting me know!!! So many addicted & poisonous thoughts & bad feelings abt her. Was she really flirting with me?? Anythg wrong happened with her??  Had she some family problem??No contact & no clue to find out. I didn’t even know her home to enquiry, since she used to come by bus from far town.

I tried enquring all of her collegues but I was just worthless; walk to class and would sit where we used to meet just hoping that she would walk by but nthg like that happened…

One day after class, one of my buddy said he saw the girl somewhere in front of a college in that college dress. After asking my friend all about her, I just was curious to know was she the same girl he identified. Me & my friend went to the college n asked for her home address to contacted her right away. I was nervous hoping that I had made enough of an impact that she might remember me. Thank god!!!!!! she had once talked to her parents about me as her college friend. Had nothing much to talk, just drank a cup of tea, few college stuff discussion n then time for us to leave.

It was not a big problem for me to realize that she had to leave the college due to some family problem. It didn’t took me long, even can say a single day or a week waiting to visit across 20 km daily just to wait outside her college, or while returning on the way. She didn’t mind me coming so far just to talk to her. I loved her so much; hadn’t told her and I was so happy that I was able to have a best friend in her. But I guess fate had different plans and soon my fairy tale came crashing down. Our relationship could not last and almost a year later we had to apart. She had her own destiny, where else mine was different. Despite, we remained friends for a long time…

She was with someone else, what she told me; after a year. Well, things weren’t good as before. I wasn’t that happy with myslf so on one night, after a perfect evening we were on a walk I told her my feelings for her that I still loved her and I still wanted to be with her, even knowing everythg about her present. It didn’t make any difference to me abt what was her feeling, I didn’t even bother to see her face before saying, since i was happy with her even knowing after she wasn’t going to leave him, but I was blinded. I didn’t worry abt the moment, might b that was the moment i regret…

I’ve never been too sure about what happened after that, she never was the same. It was always very hard for me to trust her anymore, her behaviour, her way to talk were annoying, seemed she was never happy being with me, the expression on her eyes for being apart never flashed back again, her thoughts were never missing me again but well i kept my feelings within myslf, never let feelings reflect on my face & never told her anythg, waiting for the right time but until then….. instead she wanted to give me time because she knew how much she hurt me, I wanted to give her time as well because i wanted to make her realize i wasn’t the same always. Soon, I had to leave the town for new job; though i had informed her. And then one day turned into a week, then a month, then a year, and as time slipped through my fingers so did the most important person in my life.  Once i found her on a function-party & that was the last time I saw her, long time ago; inbetween we talked a little for few & even sometime i mailed her waiting for reply. I don’t even know where is she these days & what is she doing ??

I did found her online once; it was horrible, she was mean and bitter towards me, like I had done something wrong. I tried to apologize but I never could figure out what I had done to get such a horrible response… am i so arrogant???

‘ True friends are hard to find and even harder to forget ‘ and this statement is so very true in my life. I have little friends in my life and they are precious for me; harder to forget memories and images of things I spend with… I miss my friend everyday, I miss everything about our friendship, and I miss everything about her. Whenever I look back and I wish so much I could spend few minutes with her talking, but I know that if I had the chance I wouldn’t even know what to say, because the whole time I would be trying to figure out what the right thing to say first.

I guess the sad truth is that there would be no right thing to say, too much time has gone by since the last time we talked, too much has changed, too many moments have come and gone. I sometimes wonder if she will ever know how much I miss her or how much I loved her. I wonder if she knows how much she meant to me and how much her love and support helped make me who I am today & whatever I am, I wonder if she ever thinks about me or if she ever stops for a moment while looking up at the stars on a clear nights and thinks that maybe I am doing the same thing. She was a person so true and so amazing that I know I will never find anyone like her again, she was my best friend, she was my dream come true, and she is the one person I wish I didn’t have to live my life without. Might be m not the Mr. Right for her; don’t even deserve. A lots of thoughts coming over my mind, can’t control…. I would like to apologize with this article if you reading; i don’t know what might b your problem but will always wish for you to be happy wherever you are…

I closed the diary & kept it down trying to hold the tear I can feel in my eye coming out, but again I can’t cry. I wish I could though maybe that would help me. I am happy for my friend, I am happy she found happiness, but I will forever be sad at what I have lost, and the moments that I can never get back, spent with her over my life to make me, for whatever I am…

Will she recognize me if she sees me??? or she will turn around and walk away; no idea… Please atleast if u can’t say HI, plz don’t even give me a smile, its gonna hurt me a lot, but i won’t mind. You have given me a lot and inreturn i have paid you nothing despite hurting you always.

U are my one regret and I will miss U until my last day on earth. So if U are out there reading this article, know that I am thinking about you & missing you, and I always will wish for your Happiness & Success…

don’t know what more to write; despite having a lot to… all i know is ‘its better to be late than to be never…’

SKB

…m i special 2 deserve more…

“I work as a system administrator, computer related job in a pritave company. I am paid with good salary & not much pressurized with work. Still m  not satisfied with the job. I feel myslf that i deserve much more better than this.” Well this is the sentence that revolves in my mind. What abt u?? M right, the above sentence is like a storm that comes in everyone’s life in different stage… what i deserve??

Come on, admit it… all of us at some point have felt bigger than the situation we are in, always unsatisfied with the situation… असन्तुष्ट

It’s like you can give much more to life than life seems to want from you somethg like: in life where everythg is against own will, n  much more to your work when the office or someone demands of you more.

You feel you deserve more than is on plate and a larger amount in your life.  I deserve much better than this, is the constant feelings in head, “I am special”.

We think like that, are we misleading ourselves that circumstances are holding us back from the greatness & betterness we deserve & hope for? Is it abnormal or is it the way the rest of the world also thinks too? Does everyone anywhere believes “Yes, this is!, This is the life I want and this is exactly where I want to be at this point of time”. I guess “NO”. Why do we all get the feeling we are in the wrong place at the wrong time??

Well can we possibly, “change circumstances by changing ourselves?“

Quite often, circumstances may be beyond our will, we just can’t sit restless and leave everythg on GOD , forgetting the fact that we can certainly can change the way we respond to them. All you need is to do believe in yourself, have faith to be determined n take a good hard look(focus). What is to that you really want to do with life? What is it that you hope to or wanna achieve?? How can u get through??? You can either focus on your limitations/needs or resolve to turn your problems into an opportunity and make the best of a given situation. Until you don’t try nothing is possible. Even IMPOSSIBLE itself says “I-M-POSSIBLE”. God even helps to only those who r determined n has a will to do….

Despite everything above, one question still stucks in my mind, is there an end to wanting? If you achieve what you want today, you will want something else tomorrow. There can be no satisfaction from wanting and needing, since mankind are always greedy.

Well but acceptance sounds somewhat unbelievable. I guess its possible, if  we have the capability of figuring out what we need to accept and what needs to be challenged and overcome. The idea is not to quit dreaming and planning. Because it’s from those dreams that we progress. The idea is simply to make sure we live life with full potential. Hoina ra ??

Life isn’t always so easy to live freely, if u struggle u survive, if fail u suffer regretting rest of ur life… So always be determined & have faith in yourslf to face any problem anytime. Trust me!! u can easily get through…. The more you run away frm problems the more they follow you.

If u really deserve something in life, u’ll get but if u don’t, don’t be embarrassed , U always deserve something more better…

…life has full of surprises… U need to be steady n have patience to find it out…

शरण

…माया लाउनु र माया लाग्नु…

Don’t be confuse in life either you are ‘falling in love’ or ‘feeling of love’.  There’s a big difference in ‘loving’ someone and ‘feeling love’ for someone. In Nepali language, we say it ‘maya launu’ and ‘maya lagnu’. Inspite of the difference, it’s easy to get immerse into ‘feeling the love’ for someone to misunderstand it as ‘falling in love’. It does appear a little confusing, but for those of us who’ve gone through it, it really makes sense to understand.

Anyone can tell that the one who enters a relationship(specially a boy and a girl) based on such confusion will find it difficult to carry on in the long run. Let’s take an example, there’s a girl whose crazy about a guy, her madness makes the guy feel bad for ignoring her, maybe the girl has other problems in her life too and in a way the guy is forced to return her love, so with sympathy he accepts the relationship. You can tell how the relationship is going to go. Whenever someone is in problem we have sympathy the feeling called love in the way we can. In a situation someone really cares for you and is crazy about you, n u feel sympathy for a moment n show the same kind of feelings in return. This kind of sympathy love in a bond relationship will be a lot of problem further in life(not in every case)… The feelings should be from both of the sides, not forcing to but should be some real feelings by heart with mutual understanding. 

Of course there are problem in every relationship, no matter how it began. I don’t say problem arise in every case but just incase, my thoughts are of my own. Everyone don’t succeed or achieve everything in life. The important thing is what these problem are based on. If the problem is about ‘love’ itself then that’s a really huge hump. Some easily jump while some can’t even climb over a hump….

The difference in ‘feeling the love’ and ‘falling in love’ is a kind of attached feeling the couple should have. The other kind is the kind one can have with other relations in his life, like a pet dog or an old stuffed. It really doesn’t make that difference to express the difference in both. 

It’s important to know what your relatioship is based on, how it began and what it is that keeps it alive ‘forever’. The trust, understanding, pleasure, devotional and many other ingredient helps to keep it alive. For some it takes years of devotion, while for others it could be fun flirting. But getting into a relationship by feeling freely is a different situation altogether, the results are rarely seen ‘forever’. So, everyone, always be careful and definitely know either u are feeling love or falling in love???

SKB

…भावनात्मक अभिव्यक्ति…

am not so literate (साहित्यकार), writing in such an emotional way,  just as few sentence, not written by me…

लामाे समयकाे माैनता पछि अाज याे सन्ध्याकालिन समयमा तिम्राे लागि मेराे केहि भावनाहरू बहकिएछन् । शायद समयले मलार्इ यहि कुरा सिकाएकाे छ, एक्लाे जीवन । शायद तर यदि एक्लै हाे भने त किन हामीलार्इ वर्तमान समयमा कसैकाे साथकाे अपेक्षाा गर्छाै । तर प्रकृति ले हामीलार्इ यहि सन्देश दिनुहुन्छ कि जीवनकाे अस्तीत्व छ यसलार्इ बुभ्hने काेशिस गर । ( After long time of silence in evening i feel some thoughts about you. Might be the time has taught me that life has to be lived alone. But if alone then why do we expect of someone special in the present time.  But nature always makes us realize that life has its existence just try to feel it.)

here i am, what ?? dont’ think too much yaar, the above sentence has no relation with this topic… ok there i start, is that all love we should respect of, when it comes to us?? is only our happy life greater than our own parent’s feeling n thoughts that hey have towards us. Y do we always think that we are always right, not them. Y being so selfish?  We think of us forgetting that they r ones who have given us life n always tried their best to keep us safe n happy through out. But still we always forget the fact. Might b we are right? Arent’ we ?? who will judge us?? luck, destiny, god or who??? Shouldn’t we respect our parents feelings?? they have done a lot for us n now y are we being selfish n not listening to them. Can’t we satisfy them atleast providing them few moments of smile on their face. Or might b its our future life so y shouldn’t we think in our own way?

But….What if they just think for their own prestige & dignity n even ready to sacrifice their children’s life ?? I  know we have many answers n view but might b i have different from you all. I have seen love without money n even money without love. What if you have to choose inbetween LOVE & MONEY?? always a confusion!!!!! I know one who have dear ones, will always go for LOVE, n y obviously shouldn’t we go for money, hoina ra ??? Despite so many ups n downs in our life, there comes a stage where we are given an opportunity, standing on edge of life, to think once n decide the next…., d result are shown later in our own future, we got to face it, some r sweet whereas some r bitter… 

i don’t know y i started this but i had to start somewhere n somehow, sayad samay na milera hola… we got to sacrifice many things in different way in different stage of  life; childhood memories, friends, love n the most is ‘time’.  We sacrifice n sacrifice…Y are we doing all this, for whom n for what? what?? what ??? answers : Pride, Glory, Prestige, Ego, Dignity or for nature’s routine…

Well as far as i am concerned, i have sacrified all of whatever i  have, having left nothing… & still don’t know what more up to lose…

CONTD…

…most embarrassing nightmare…

horrible night that none would would like to see or face in life… n wish not to happen with anyone…

…reached home at around 8 pm, hadn’t expected to happen in my presence at home…

Bro was quarreling with his wife upstairs, i thought they were talking since my room was next to their room. I took it normal n just went to kitchen, ate my dinner n tried to connect net in laptop to check mails, if any message from office. Sound was a bit louder until when mom came to me n told that he was shouting at his wife,  to leave the home n pulling her out of bed saying her to leave the home right now n then. Got angry n left the dinner n went upstairs asked bro what exactly was his problem at night n reminded him his responsibility n duty towards family.  Heard many times before also this type of  incident happening in my absence. He doesn’t listen to mom n dad n so, being an elder son of family, i tried to advice him n gave a good more than a hour lecture, but still he was just saying that he want divorce with his wife n didn’t wanted her. Mom n dad both came upstairs n tried to remind him but he was still determined to his quote “say her to leave home, right now with all her belongings forever.” I was feeling so angry but still i kept my patience n until last i forgot everythg n went to slap him, but dad stopped me. Mom then entered room n tried her best to advice, n made him quite saying that to wait until morning to send his wife back her home rather than shouting at night. Since, it was puja (Goth Puja, Kul puja) on morning. Finally, he agreed to keep quite until morning n then i came downstairs to use net but almost 11:30 pm so better i went to sleep.

It was around 3 am when i woke up due to the noise bro was making. It was almost dark n quite cold. I was totally disturbed so i couldn’t stop myslf n went directly to his room, what exactly was happening. He was pulling his wife off from bed n saying her to leave home. Oh god! again the same. His wife was crying n he was shouting at her, throwing all her clothes n her belonging, n saying her to leave home at that time only. I shouted at him y he was doing like that n wait until it was morning. Mom n dad came upstairs running why i was shouting at him. Dad told me to leave the room, n he’ll handle him. But when dad tried to stop him he threw dad away saying he doesn’t want anyone. He only wanted was her(wife) to leave home, taking her all belongings n want divorce. We tried to explain him that she also has rights to stay at home, but he was listening instead he was trying to pull her hair n trying to kick her. Oh god it was impossible for dad alone to stop him so i had too. I then told his wife to go downstair n prepare to leave home early in the morning.  As he saw his wife going downstairs he started shouting more loudly, saying her to leave permanently taking all her belongings. Hardly after long struggle, we couldn’t stop him until he came down n started asking mom, where his wife had hidden. Mom told she left her home, but he wasn’t believing n instead banging everythg, threw mobile, laptop. Thankgod, nthg happened. I couldn’t stop myslf seeing all these n slaped him hardly on his face while he was just shouting n shouting banging all the things.

Until then all the neighbour came n pulled him out of home n tried to convience him that his wife had left home n gone, but instead he was only crying &  shouting n giving bulgar galis to everyone. Dad even tried to stop him but he was just kicking dad even n pulling mom n trying to hit her with knife, seeing all this i couldn’t stop myslf n all of once i attacked him n started banging him very fiercely. I was following him n hitting him, until dad & mom came running n stopped me, whereas other people took me far away frm him.  None could convience him n stop him. He once even tried to drink poison, thank god, the cover of bottle didn’t open.  It was almost dark n the situation was going worse n worse.

Finally I told everyone to leave n i’ll handle him myslf. Dad was almost worried n insisted me to call police n hand over him. He even tore my t-shirt which had a slogan written, I love JOhn n with his full signature. Until he was standing none could approach near him so i decided to kneel him down n sit over his back n not letting him move. I used all my effort n lay him straight.. He was just shouting n trying to throw me away, but i tried my best not letting him to move. I was almost tired n i had badly hurt on my knees n hand n almost i was tired. But what more to do, i had to handle him. Anyway then i told dad to call police n until police came. In cold early morning i was only in halfpant n was holding his hand n sitting over him, not letting him to move. At around 5:30 am, police came n dad told him to take him away until the puja wasn’t over.

Oh god, i couldn’t move my body, my knee’s condition was worst, couldn’t bend due to bleeding wound, & all marks over my hand, almost feeling sleepy. But had to b fresh, attend puja, bring bro frm police station, convience mom n dad n his wife everythg would b fine, after all, had to leave home also. I was almost embarrassed  n disappointed due the whole night incident. What might b going through mom n dad heart to have such a son. None of parents atleast expect such type of son. Have seen many son n daughter of family, but my this nightmare was totally different from everyone’s.

I don’t know the way i behaved or reacted was right or wrong for the situation but only i can do is regret for the way i treated n hit him, but i had no other option also.

1:00 pm, time to leave since almost puja was over, i packed my belongings n left home, next day reached kolkata n back to office again…

the horrible nightmare, hope nothg like this happens in anyone’s family & wish to get over this nightmare very soon.

“Its happy of not having a son than to regret whole ur life to have son like this“

No COMMENTS Please 11th Dec 2008

mon,17th nov 2008

…woke up due to a phone call. Since it was 2nd mangshir 2065. Might b i always tried to forget my date of birthday many times, but this time seriously, I forgot n was shocked when i was reminded of my b’day.  Me surprised!!!!!! Anyway then again slept, got up at 8 am, opened laptop n played songs n went to the bathroom. Until then my breakfast was ready(lunch: 5 roti, Dal & sabji). Reading newspaper until 09:15 am , then getting ready for office…

As usual, in office busy with ususal official stuff n the daily routine to check server, networking, internet, site etc..etc…. Despite being busy with usual stuff, nthg great nor somethg new was exactly happening, as usual in office.

Was i really expecting for a great day or somethg so special for today, but for a person like me, it was as simple n same since the time i remember my date of birth to celebrate it as a day i was exactly born on to be happy enough. Well i had to make it special but i intend not to, might b i don’t like or might b i don’t want to( m confused)… I always say there’s always a reason or answer for any question or confusion but in my life there are many questions for which i have no answer, no reason…

Despite thinking too much, it was finally time to leave office n way to flat.

Gone to room, listening to few nepali tracks n then after dinner a good night sleep…

another one more year passedby n expecting somethg more with excitement to happen or might b the next coming year is also goona pass like this… office to room n room to office…

Many many happy returns of the day to me [:-)] [:-( ], despite today isn’t my b’day according to english date…

…stressed…

don’t know quite often of being crazy abt thoughts n just can’t keep them all on my mind rather than to keep it safe on my blog…

often or most of the time we are stressed, tired of many things sometime good n sometime d worst. We feel like keeping all the things aside n go for some rest. But what if ‘rest’ not able to come? Personal problem, responsibilities, work pressure, duties n many more that we face in our daily life. We feel like running away from everythg n have a own life far away from everyone. But i know that’s not possible, it just sounds good on in a written sentence. Might b we are not able to run ourselves with the time or the way time wants us to do with our duties that we think to do. This is life always a day is new, never the same. Why do we people think of running away from our past, thinking somethg good to happen in present for future. But as far as we run it gets more n more attached with our present n affects our future.

Why do we carry burdens all the time? i think many times, i don’t know whether m correct or not but as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won’t be able to carry on for long n the situation comes where one fails in life. N that’s the worst part n ending of life.

For solution, we think to keep aside our burdens as if it has a screw, open it n then keep aside n after we think we have able now to take it, we again screw it above our head n go ahead with our work. I wish it was that so much of easy. But people says, Put the burdens of work down n not to carry it home. But, but what if we don’t get another burden at home too… where do we keep all these, any secure place??

it all depends on the point of view one sees.

eg: if I hold a glass of water n ask you how much heavy is the weight? you’ll surely give me many appropriate answers. But do U know what would b mine point of view, it depends on not weight but how long I try to hold it. CONFUSED!!!

if I carry it for a minute, that’s not a big problem. If I hold it for an hour or two, I’ll have an ache in my hand. If I hold it for a day, I’ll surely have to b hospitalized. So now tell me does it really depends on weight… keeping all this in mind i think of just not holding any kind of burden n b stressed just leaving official matter at office, family matter with home n personnal matter within myslf staying inside a dark room…

…a small conversation…

mobile ringing… reject the call n calls back… ring going…

mom(voice1) : how r u son ??

son (voice2): m fine as usual, just staying with friends… how r everyone ???

mom: everythg fine, u aren’t finally coming in dashain…, what’s wrong with ur voice ??

voice2: nthg, just might b throat infection… (a small pause) will try to come in diwali if not then November last week…

voice1: i know u might haven’t taken medicine, when will u change, son… atleast sometime take medicine n take care of urslf…, just called to say u somethg… dad is thinking to buy a bike…, if u save some money we could buy a bike. N if possible send a mobile for ur bro, he’s shouting so much for a new mobile for himself since dad carries another mobile, n he needs a new one…

Voice2: m taking care of myslf, its just normal… i have lots of pain this is minor, don’t worry.. i’ll b fine… I had told u before only, lets buy a bike, but dad never listened to me… anyway not a big problem, give me sometime, just recently I had send u so much money, so I need some time.., abt mobile, i’ll send it on diwali. Until then tell him to wait…

Voice1: we miss u a lot son, in dashara… everyone asking, “when ur son is coming”… (interrupted in middle)

Voice 2: might b u don’t realize that I miss u mom n dad very much but I really haven’t told u ever… might b u never understood me, or might b I never understood you people… dad never had time for me n u never said anythg, despite just complaining dad abt me for my studies n he treated me like a prisoner as if I was never his son… which killed all my feelings towards you people. I know I shouldn’t have told u all these, but 1day I had to tell u. Why I run away from u people, don’t stay at home. Even on holidays I used to prefer going office, I never stayed at home on festival, have u ever noticed me laughing or a smile on my face… do u ever know any of my friend, with whom I talk to… I never made friends n never had also, just scared that my dad didn’t like… always at home n obey dads routine… Its all the fear which is still inside me n that fear created a long gap between you n me… you people never tried to know abt my feelings (might b i never told u)… I have already killed myslf frm inside, i was always wanting to run away far frm u people, but still today I love u both very much… I don’t blame you people… might b being the eldest you have expectation frm me, but sorry mom n dad I m not able to fulfill your desire n expectations… please forgive me if u can…

Voice1: y do u talk like this?? it really hurts me… I know, i can understand ur feelings… how can I b happy n enjoy here when u r sad… yet nthg late has it become…

Voice2: what late n early mom, how could u just keep watching n never stopped dad while he treated me like a prisoner for each time of my mistake. But i know, u were also scared of his nature n anger… I know he’s a good cop, but atleast he should know the difference between a prisoner n his son… might b that fear made a long gap between u n ur son…

oh ya, mom m not sad… just the environment n the time made me changed n totally different from other people… u always get confused, n ask me also, y m i so different?… not only u mom, everyone find me different, stony, crazy, physco etc n given me with many names… I don’t want anythg from you people…. just want to cry loudly once, only once on ur lap very much… see tears also start falling... m with friends n they r asking me y m crying..?? they don’t understand nepali… don’t worry mom, u just don’t spoil your festival, enjoy n have fun. Until m alive I’ll try my best to fulfill you people’s desire n expectations. I will never give up. I have learnt that frm dad, not to give up in life n never depend on others…

Voice1: we are sorry son… ur dad is like that only… he knows his duty n then his family member… might b he’s a good cop but he always wanted you to be a good son… he hadn’t expected the way he treated u would let u to b like this, never wanted u to b like this. U never ask anythg in life, never speak to us, u never talked with us…

Voice1: hey mom, don’t b sorry… m still ur son, it ok. Just the fear made me like this n a gap between u n me, n might b from everyone. I wish just once my parents would ever ask me, but anyway its too late now. The tears when sometime wants to roll, I go to bathroom to cry loud, but so unlucky sometime tears also don’t come out… People ask me why I stay alone, no talk with people, no friends n all.. but I have one reply “I love being lonely”…

silence for some time…

Voice2: r u there son, now u can change urslf, u r far frm us, u can do whatever you want… we won’t interfere in ur life., just can’t b happy seeing u sad..

Voice1: no mom, m not sad… it doesn’t mean that if m far then can do whatever i like, i know my limits mom… m proud of my parents, but m sad just that I m not able to fulfill your expectation being a son as u people might have expected from me.. You people might have seen lot of dreams frm me, but m so helpless n hopeless… anyway u don’t worry, I’ll try to earn more n more money n will try making u people happy.

Voice2: son, u marry soon, everythg will b fine…

Voice1: no moms, marriage is not the only solution, my life already ruined up, I can never enjoy myslf n I don’t want to spoil other’s life too, just spending rest of her life being sad with me… Ya but I promise you the day I get my kind of girl, who can face my anger n listen to me, I’ll let u know…

Voice2: we are waiting… whenever u want to come home, u come, we’ ll never force you for anything.

Voice1: I don’t want fabour from you mom,… it doesn’t meant that I told u all these things n u’ll say that u people want force me for anythg, m ur son n u have full rights over me. So b happy always, don’t worry abt me. I don’t want to change myslf now… if any other thing just do let me know, m always for u…

Voice2: ok mine puja time now.. m going, u take care of urslf n enjoy with friends…n keep calling us also… take care of yourslf…

Voice1: oks… u people also take care n enjoy dashara happily.

 

….conversation ended… call duration shows 29 mins…

(wed, 8th October 2008)