weird…

suddenly in the middle of a conversation, ‘you know, you are weird!’… the comment passed out while i was having a conversation with one of colleague. Well, i said thankyou, compliment or criticize. Well but i guess the word’weird’ wasn’t a compliment(got to know later) but still i thanked at that moment, no regrets. Nothing to surprise me when people call me so.

The say-er is what is weird, not the object that weird is attributed to.

It doesn’t matter how you define it. Well, acting weird or being weird, the exact definition, i don’t know. I know is different, out of ordinary. The one who says weird coz basically that is not normal to him/her; its strange and different. Doesn’t matter good or nice or eligible in behaviour. The view and definition are different with situation, sometime compliment whereas sometime critics. I have my own vision to look out, want to be different, i think differently does that mean m weird, so that if i am. Its my choice, i might not like the people’s thoughts, society & surroundings but still i have to live within it. I can’t change the whole world for me so to adjust with the environment y not chance myself; as a result m WEIRD. A perfect definition to describe me.

No matter what the weird thing people think or say –the person who says it is the one who is different and not normal.

friendship

You know. I’m, tired of writing these shits with no truth or meaning in them. This time, it’s real. It really bites me. It’s about how your friendship can die, but never come back. I’m writing this and crying; for real. How could that go wrong? We were like BFF’s. We had a great time together, the best moments in my life. I’m a guy, she’s a gal. How do you think – what wen’t wrong? EVERYTHING. Love went in the middle of friendship. She told me that she really likes me, but she doesn’t wan’t to end our friendship. But if you have a best friend in opposite gender- you probably know how I felt- I loved her but didn’t tell her, I didn’t wanna lose my best friend.  We still were great friends,- we shared everything, we had fun whenever together. It was perfect. But everything started to go wrong. When one day, she told me that she wants me to get off her head & she expects my help too. It was her call. But I don’t know what happened in my head, i was numb. She told me – “That she  can’t talk and didn’t wanna risk any problem”. It’s disgusting even to think about that. As a friend, it was few months ago- I decided myself to disappear from her life, so I stayed away. For the last time i helped my friend. And that’s the end. But I miss her, I miss our friendship- I know I blew it up. I’m sorry that I’m just a human- but that was too much. It is biggest mistake of my life. I can’t stop thinking about what happened, I’m still crying time by time. I’ll never forget our friendship and this is so true : A real friend is hard to find, difficult to leave and impossible to forget.

I’m really sorry for being jerk, if you’ll ever read this…

Promises are just lies with pretty ribbons tied to them.

Promise – such a big word, we rarely keep.

Why do we need promises? To make someone stick around for long enough to lock them up.

…said I’ll never hurt you, so that means,  promised to stay with you forever. But forever never lasts, so as long as you know- that this is where you want to be now, if this moment is worth the pain at the end.

We humans are so weird. When someone says he/she loves you, you go ahead and believe. But at the end it’s all the same, meanless game, that had one hot spot.

Sometimes I wonder if not saying that you love someone would make it less painfull, but let’s be honest: If you tell or not tell someone that , that doesn’t make you feel any different. Maybe we are afraid that these 3 words, these simple 8 letters can scare someone off?! Well, if he/she doesn’t love he/she’s gonna leave anyway, if he/she does he/she’ll stay and make you happy.

There’s so much I can’t say when I look in your eyes, I’m worried you’ll reject me, and hurt my foolish pride, Each day this love grows stronger but I could never let you know, There is so much behind my smile, that I could never show, I’d hold you for a lifetime if you would let me in, I’d love you like no other, but you won’t understand. Everytime I see you, holding on to thhe arms of his, the pains like a knife, cutting deep in my soul, So I’ll dream of us together of just how i wanted and all that you are will remain a silent part of me.

Why promise, if you know you can’t keep the promise? Why lie if you could tell the truth? We all have a lot to learn, and nobody knows nothing. Knowing how to read a book is not knowing about life, it’s knowing about stuff that takes your mind off the life, knowing about love, sorrow, pain and trust, friendship but most of all broken hearts – that’s what we should know, but we never will, we’ll be like this; Sick in selfish World.

tears AND laugh…

We always thought we’d look back on our tears and laugh, but we never thought we’d look back on our laughter and cry.

Some people say that friendship can’t be broken. Maybe they’re right, maybe people we loose are actually not our friends… They just use you until new company… But you never know and you’ll never believe them when they answer you.. You sit and think for several hours, till you realize that this just doesn’t make any sense… being selfish and thinking to live your life your way, without any care. You just want your life to be easier to live for and maintain social life. How does that make sense? But actually what does make sense? EVERYONE DESERVES PEACE. You make it look like I’m guilty, coz i don’t understand. What about you stop being selfish for 10 seconds and think if really I’m the only one to blame? I cared and I care, but you don’t. THAT’S THE TRUTH! I’m not the one who’s childish here, childish are the things I hear from others, childish are people who talks them, cause they don’t even know me… And now, you’ve got some other, a better company, the ones who cares about you a lot, and so now you don’t need me.. So easy to throw away someone you don’t need, isn’t it? You don’t care.. Everything you’ve told me seems so wrong now, but theory finally makes sense. But don’t worry I’ll get fucking out of your life, just as you wish… Just when you decide to know how i am, don’t talk to me… Cause the way I feel and remember our friendship will never change, but I don’t need a your concern to get to thrown away and get hurt again. but I won’t tell anything more, cause I don’t mean to start a war.

I hate people who don’t care about anything besides them.

——————

I have a lot to say about you, but the truth is I would never leave you. After all you’ve done, I say. But now at the end it doesn’t really matter because somewhere somethg went wrong n, we lost it…. forever…

We’ll always have some part of that all with us, if we’ll remember the times we gone, I don’t know how to say it anymore.

The memories kills slowly…. Forgetting is easy, since when do you search for the way out? Since when did you stop caring? Since when I decided to let you down?

We have… had something different, we had that strange connection, weirdest of all out of me with stupid things looked surprisingly normal if I were with you…

I love… loved the way we could talk about everything, but still keep it the way it should be… or didn’t it?

I was confused… and still am, how you could make me feel better even when I used to be on my worst time….

I loved…. no still LOVE you… and my heart will never let you go…. I’ve locked you in…. forever and always you’ll be there, but I won’t tell you, cause we lost it…

Still remember those days, my friend…. when I could say:

I don’t know why…., but I know I had the best days with you, all time.

Don’t forget all the things we’ve done together, I miss our friendship, and I always will….

And saying those things, I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU ANYMORE, were the BIGGEST mistakes in my life…

dignity..

…m writing this article coz it really piss me off the most when someone doubts on my loyalty.

…never try to F*%K with my integrity…

my dad being the toughest cop of the town, was sincere and loyal to his duty and for his country; served his country very truly and m really proud of him. I guess the same blood running in my vein makes me also feel the same when it comes about being tough(not so much), sincerity, trust & loyalty.

I have a theory; if you don’t trust yourself then never say me that you trust me & believe me. It pisses me off  the most when one says that they trust me and still question mark on my loyalty meaning to hurt my dignity; unbearable.  I hardly let people enter into my world, and so m surrounded by only few people, so called friends & family among whom i trust and expect the same in return coz once m betrayed then i become the worst of the worst for lifetime; bitter truth. When i say people to trust me then i say with full sincerity, to believe in me and for the trust i can even be ready to give up my life for. As long as m truthful then I believe the other to be the same, I hate liers, and backstabbing is what i wouldn’t want the people close to me be. Since my childhood i was always told to see the truth and never to trust anyone, coz in the cruel world nobody can be truly called yours. Everyone is selfish. As much as concern about cruel & selfish world, i have seen what cases my dad used to handle; domestic violence, murder, thief, robbery etc. Mine childhood just passed watching through the different variation of people in society.

 If any one says that he/she loves somebody by heart than there rise suspect behind his/her motive

…each n every relationship stands with a bound of selfishness…

Though my dad didn’t had much time of his to spend with family, risking his life, whole night he used go for duty and i watch mom whole night praying to god for him to be fine and return the next morning alive. Every night we wished he would return alive. He had time for everyone but when it comes to family he didn’t even bother what we were going through, he only knew was his duty and serve the people, his country. Anyway no regret, but his loyalty always encouraged me to be the toughest and sincere. He believes in fame more than money & so do i speak his words even now. I guess that’s what for he was given the Bravery Medal of Honor for his Act of Valor from Late King Birendra Bir Bikram Shah Dev. 

But in today’s selfish & cruel world, sincerity, loyalty, fame doesn’t let us live peacefully if u don’t have money. Without money fame is worthless. All the people are becoming more selfish day by day. No one has the feelings of respect towards others. Everyone seems to want more than others .  If any one says that he/she loves somebody by heart than there rise suspect behind his/her motive. Even in the families, there is no any proper understanding between the family members. Each n every relationship stands with a bound of selfishness. Here the part where i come from, people finding me weird,  coz for why am like this. Reason behind me acting weird or being strange is nothing new whoever knows me. m tough enough after what i have gone through, i don’t prefer to be manipulated anymore and prefer to hold up on my own not depending on the selfish world.  Well, people have lots of thoughts about me, but doesn’t bother me much coz i can’t help people what to think and what not to think, even answering to all the people also isn’t possible, so i just give a dame to what people really have thoughts about me.

When I feel like I’m not important to people, I shut them out of my life soon!!!  The less i think about the less it bothers me, so its just nothing particular in my life what special i am focus on.

Let life go on just, living with present, forgetting the past and not thinking too much about the future…

I tell you it’s okay, I lie…

I know I haven’t been writing for a while now and that is maybe because I’ve spent last 2 months pretty much just locking myself out of this reality… I am just hiding from the facts and living in the darkness not thinking about anything… what a waste of time huh? but when actually this is just a silence before the storm… I have been pretending to be smiling and let people know that nothing is wrong with me when it’s really not. I lie to myself… I tell you it’s okay, I lie… I say m ok, I lie… i say m fine without u, i lie… i say i don’t care about you, i lie…  Lie after lie… sorry for the lie… I only do that because it’s easier to believe I’m fine than talk it out when nobody really cares… It’s easier to cry it out when nobody ever hears… It is so easy…. so easy…  till it becomes a nightmare chasing you in your own dreams… What difference will there be if nothing has changed till this day? What reason is there to talk if it always ends up the same? How do you say, what you’re feeling, out loud when really there is pain. How do you make realize that nothing is ever fine. How do you make see – there’s nothing besides pain. You close your eyes and you fly… you close your eyes and you love… you close your eyes and you’re alive… You close your eyes to be alright. But when you close your eyes a tear falls… and another follows… you don’t control it anymore.. it’s not alright.. it’s not FINE, IT’S NOT OKAY. You start yelling… you yell.. you scream.. and then you stop… just for a second you stop…

You stop to realize that life is never fair, never been good… you see how all you are hurt… you see that it has been that way ever since you were a kid… U see how hard you have been gone through.. you see it all…. it takes a while to realize… you are on your own… you never were who you mean to be… you never will… you realize there was never who cared, as long as it’s further away from home… you see how people think what it’s like to be in your shoes.. when they really don’t see the truth… and you can’t get away with the truth… never could… but you know that you can b over all pain…

One day you tell it’s over… no more hurting … no more cry… you sit quietly and wait for the day… you close your eyes and you think of that day…. and suddenly you fall asleep thinking that soon… soon you will be okay…that soon you’ll fly away from this nightmare that has taken over your life… and then… then… then it really will be alright…. not because you have closed your eyes… but you have closed your heart.

exhausted…

 

SMOKING is INJURIOUS TO HEALTH

 

…. past few weeks or even a month I’ve been telling myself I’m exhausted from all the things that I’ve been doing, only now I realize I’m exhausted from not doing enough. I am exhausted from hiding myself from other in the dark place, from fake smile, from being fine, from being too good. I am exhausted from drinking & smoking all day night with a strong hangover the next morning. You may wonder how is it even possible, well it is. I’ve always considered myself a stone cold person, well but….. And apparently I’ve been trying to kill myself with an empty bullet. I had forgotten how much I need to keep moving forward, keep succeeding to be happy. I’ve lost my confidence and I put the blame on the wrong reasons. I know finally realize that I had forgotten to be the person I taught myself to be, I had forgotten who I am and was someone I was not instead..

There are a lot of ways to keep my life the way I want it, but in long term I know very well what I want – I  want success, I want money. And I can’t gain that by working at my current job or just crying for having nothing. I SACRIFICED N COMPROMISE MANY TIMES FOR PEOPLE AROUND ME but now its mine time; never too late for a start. I don’t know how it started, I guess the same old story– expecting too much, oh well, fuck that. I’m the only one responsible for my life yesterday, today and tomorrow. And I am the one who needs to take action to complete my needs and wants.

Of course I can’t deny that I have changed due to recent events in my life, but I can’t let myself to fall for the shallow life of people who only care about themselves…. I don’t think I should be focusing on future all the time, but how does it makes me cool? How does being busy make cool? I somehow started believing it is. And so what if it does? I’m not going for ‘cool’, I’m going for “money”.

No longer will I be the one that lives for others, no longer will I be the person to be lied to and being manipulated.

Yes, I do drink and smoke but at the same time I work hard keeping myself busy with work, not letting thoughts ride over my mind. I’ve let myself valued a lot for people around me as well as my work place, everyone trust me in this company. ISN’T IT ALL I WANTED TO HAPPEN? WHAT HAVE I EARNED?  Working hard even sometime doesn’t help, the right time and the right opportunity is what we all must wait for; missed many times in my life.

I don’t know why every time I seem to have found my way, I always lose it, but I always do. And that is the main thing I have to change in my attitude… in my actions.

See there is opportunity here also and I am happy with my work here, but now my life changed and lots of event r attached with this place.  I just don’t wanna tear myself apart before something goes wrong. I feel guilty for being selfish and breaking trust of many people round me but… Why? I don’t know. But if I continue this way, I will not be able to move on in my life…

Time for me to move on…

communication…

When I feel like I’m not important to people, I shut them out of my life soon!!! 

I’m learning that if I want to have deep meaningful relationships with people, then I have to make those people priority in my life. I have to let people know they matter to me and they’re worth my time even if my time is limited. Well but once after they are prioritize  then it takes both the end to continue the communication in between.  And when I feel like I’m not important to people then i prefer to shut them out of my life pretty soon!!!

…so often it’s now or never and never comes  very soon.

I have her and none of us have been very close since I left home. She says she has problem and not in a position to be in touch. Days, months just gone without speaking at all–no phone calls, text messages, e-mails, nothing. This is hard for me because I want to be closer to her. She always tells me that the lack of communication is just because i am egoist and don’t give enough effort but i think this time i did my effort. It’s said that we need both hands to clap and expecting the same, the same level of communication that I do. But the truth is, she can’t communicate with me regardless of whether she is in trouble due to me or if I don’t make time for her and let her know she matters to me. She doesn’t call I say, but I never call either. Maybe I’ll call and the phone will just ring & she won’t receive or mobile will b switched off & given a miss call alert on her cell. She’ll call me or might b she’ll never call me back– but I won’t know if I don’t try and if I don’t try my window of opportunity to stay close and build a relationship may shut sooner. I just don’t wanna leave any fault from my end…

I have lack of patience and when i lose the strength of holding myself then i just give a dam to whatever upcoming and cause me trouble, which almost is not a good thing wanting let to happen…

Terrifying Love…

“Pheri tyo din samjhana chhahanna

Tyi hi katha ma dohorayuna chhahanna
Pheri tyo din samjhana chhahanna
Tyi hi katha ma dohorayuna chhahanna
Maya yo aago ho polchha thaha chha
Aafai lai jalauna chhahanna

 

Prema ma phasna chhahanna
Sambandha ma gasna chhahanna
Prema ma phasna chhahanna
Sambandha ma gasna chhahanna
Maya yo dhara ho katchha thaha chha
Aafai lai retna ma chhahanna…”

….lyrics from a Nepali Song sang by Singer Sugam Pokherel, i love this song coz it has a much attachment with mine heart on those days since the release of  this song. Those days when i wasn’t fully recovered and i wasn’t sure if was falling for someone again. So this song just touched my heart the way i wanted to portray my feelings. I have always struggled with fear. When I had strange feelings for her, I was afraid of giving my heart to the wrong gal and getting hurt. Now that I have told her that i love her, I’m terrified of losing the gal I love. I would tell myself that there’s nothing to worry about and everything is going to be fine but I’ve known too many people who have gone through tremendous heartache. Which makes me realize that m not the only one in this world who has d weird kind of feelings. In all this years of being together, I almost broke up with her because I thought she was too good to be true and there must be something I don’t know that will break my heart down. I almost missed the best thing that’s ever happened to me because of fear. I took the ultimate  effort to take the risk even though I knew how exactly would the relationship would turn on me. Love takes tremendous vulnerability. Love means opening your heart and life up to someone in the most intimate way not only fully knowing how that person will respond or how careful they will be with your heart and life. But if you ever want to really love someone, you must be willing to take this leap of faith & hope. You must have the courage to take risks, to love even though love opens your heart and life up to vulnerability and the chance of dreadful pain–the risks must be taken to know both the heights and depths of love. Not necessary that you get the love back whichever you deserve, having in mind that the feeling not necessarily suppose to me mutual. Now that she knows my true feelings and I no longer worry that’s she’s going to hurt me, I still fear losing her. I have never had so much to lose and now such a loss seems unbearable. But in loving her and giving my heart to her, I have learned one thing; if I lost her tomorrow, no matter how much it hurts, the hurt is worth the joy of having loved her. I guess letting her go is reasonable.

…the agonizing loss is worth the immense joy…

Don’t be afraid to love. Even if you get hurt, don’t let past hurt and mistake keep you away from future love and happiness. Love is worth the risk. Thanks for teaching me to fall in love again when I had no faith but what now; definitely not the same mistake again….yo juni ko lagi ta pugyo…

WISH FOR YOU…

New Year Wishes for U :

Comfort on difficult days

Smiles when sadness intrudes

Rainbows to follow the clouds

Laughter to kiss your lips

Sunsets to warm your heart

Hugs when spirits sag

Beauty for your eyes to see

Friendships to brighten your being

Faith so that you can believe

Confidence for when you doubt

Courage to know yourself

Patience to accept the truth

Love to complete your life…

::: MAY GOD BLESS YOU ALWAYS :::

 

Friday, 1st Baishak 2069

apart from you…

There are few things in our life, which aren’t changed with time, because they leave a scare which is always with us…

Sometimes, I’m in need of that certain thing that only you can provide…

I feel no more sense in your absence. Never thought this time would come where i finally tell myself, it’s better to be said and done. Its not a debate of who’s there to blame, I had my faults though not much of yours, but it takes two people to mess up things. One who’s clumsy and one who keeps on understanding. Was I really understanding you? I don’t think so, I never could neither can, I just get a hold on what I felt afraid that you might let me go. Anyway never mind, too late to discuss.

You told me that you have your problems and i have to understand. But until now even forcing myself wont help me to understand, I need to open things up and set my mind free. Can you feel the madness, the numbness of my heart & even my pain? Or am I just covering it with a smile?  Sorry i think my cold words hitting you a lot. You think you know me, do you really??? Even for just one time??? Coz u wouldn’t let me b so mad at u at the moment…

…………

I want to help her feel(get) better I want to repay her and I want to make it all worth her while. If I have no value in her life, what can i do! She knows we r good friends, anger (caused by me and unconventional behavior) scares her away! She’s forcing herself to get away from me, making easier for her, I decided to stay away from her life. Don’t know if she really knows or is she just want to see me happy(how happy), I know she will be sad when she realizes this!!!

…… i don’t need the cares anymore, I’m addicted to the pain, have been living through out my life that taught me to stand up all alone and so on will. Its you who taught me to live with love, but what do i get finally see, just helping to get pain at last. I guess the curse of your tears is what over all happened. Its not always about me, a little too much selfish but I seriously can’t say I don’t need you and i can live without you. If u think abt me being fine, then exactly at the moment i don’t know the meaning of ‘fine’. You made me realize I am nothing on my own and that I don’t deserve you here to wipe my tears anymore. I am strong, this is what you wanted me to be, though this time you don’t take a part anymore, in me. Your behaviour, has unveiled the things that I’ve long not seen and that to stop hoping, expecting and just keep on going but i wouldn’t miss a chance to thank you for everything you have done coming into my life; showing me the bright side.

I can’t write here in the way(showing rudeness) I want it to be and that even with my full efforts, I cant even create my own perfect story coz i don’t want to b cruel on you. After all the hurtful things gone(ing) through, I still have the nerve to miss you putting those madness aside and be gone just to start a-new without you. Am I really still that in love with you? A question that I can not answer, I m in a phase of making decisions, with fears in me combined with anger. I m so much confused, m I falling deep into the ground, seriously I don’t need you to pick me up anymore, that’s how mad I am at you now.

My gratitude for all whatever you have done to help me out in the past. Neither yours nor mine life stops, but i guess the voyage is till here…

Wishing for god’s blessing to keep you happy all the time… ending herewith…

my path to blogosphere

I haven’t considered myself much of a writer, but within the past five years, I find myself dreaming of and thinking about writing freely whatever comes in mind.  Occasionally, I would grab my diary (or mobile set/net)  and would start the process of writing down my thoughts–not to forget, sharing my reactions and interactions with the world I am in.

Having done much of that in the past, I just stopped. I stopped writing freely. Though I did write at that time, my writings ranged from different sources, few were my own experiences whereas some were from around the world. I got lots of comments, y i was so much freely exposing myself and how could keep on writing in the way with so much with emotions.  But i always had an inspiration, out of which my friend always helped me in improving my language and vocabulary. I still think that I haven’t done much of the writing that I am in need of. What is this that I often speak of? It’s that kind of writing that allows me to express my connections with this world–my opinion on certain issues, the emotions I feel/felt on a specific instance, a thought that crossed my mind.  Quite often makes the words to express what exactly goes in my mind which i can’t say.

After coming from a rough phase of life, where i wasn’t allowed to do or say of my own, allows me here to write freely, personally & creatively, all my thoughts in my way where i have no restriction and no boundaries. Yes, I was a trouble kid in my childhood and as far as i remember, i only remember a few.

People write for different reasons, some for their dear ones, some for own way, some to flush out frustration, some for other but I write not only for those whom I love and for the audience that I may or may not have, I write to express, to address, to de-stress, to digest, and the list goes on. Not to forget that i always have an inspiration and i really like when someone reads my blog and like, that’s what is my best inspiration and a reason for  me to keep writing.

I resolve to writing ultimately for myself, to keep my sanity intact and sometimes just to let loose and to let my imagination roam and for it to be lost and then found. But these days have been losing the interest in even writing also. I don’t think i’ll be writing for long….., but whatever i have written till now surprises me that i had so much to tell people around me.

pencil n eraser…

…a pic with a statement  ’none is perfect that’s y pencil has eraser’,  stroke my mind wondering how it would have been easy if you knew u are having next birth and wouldn’t repeat the same mistake u have done…

None is perfect that’s y pencil has eraser…

 Today I decided to add a more detailed “About Me” section to the blog and while doing so started thinking about the interesting ways we edit our lives for people. When I share something here on the blog or on facebook I only share what I want people to see and know–the funny stories, the deep thoughts, the best stories & things happening around which involves me. I don’t tell people the stuff about me and my life that I don’t want them to know. I don’t post the story that are unflattering, or experiences that doesn’t interest me. If my life were just the stuff I present here on the blog and on Facebook, then it would make easy for people to judge me. I mean, I have this great life, living in this beautiful place, doing fun exciting things, I have a great job and lots of independence–life is perfect–or is it?

I really m always complaining about life, that much is true, but it’s certainly not all quiet times and exciting adventures along with the sad stories; most of the time it’s me sitting infront of the computer staring at the monitor in office.

You don’t see me how I start my day regular from my bed in the morning & the time I lay down at night for sleep. You don’t see me when I’m having a bad attitude(angry) because I didn’t get what I wanted or because I’m just in a bad mood. I don’t know how to show though having pretty much a lot to show(say). I never make my facebook status something like, “Just said something hurtful to her because I’m self-absorbed and don’t care if I hurt her” even though that’s exactly the truth far too often. Don’t confuse (ignore)…

What I tell you about myself is true but it’s not all the truth; it’s the edited version–the version I want you to see.

I think with all the social networking we do these days, it’s just to see how lives are going on. We are always looking at other people’s lives and envy how perfect it all seems. We might think someone else’s life is so beautiful and happy and full of excitement and mine is bad, creeping people around, or long days at the office. Instead of seeing the simple theory of my own life, I never want what someone else has–and never make people even realize that what everyone knows is only a small part of my story–the part of the story I let them see. 

There is a girl in my life that am always scared of. She is beautiful and charming and everyone loves being around her. I look at her sometimes and feel like a complete loser. I feel like I will never be able to put together and be wonderful as she is. I never comb my hair or change my dress-up style trying to look decent when am around her. Me just being in t-shirt & jeans with scandal because that is the extent of my fashion. My inner knowledge is horrifying when I’m around her. But then on days like today I remind myself that how well I have change myself being seen through her eyes. I haven’t seen her flaws because I found her perfect, who’s always trying to find the best in me.

But I guess everything changes with time; nothing stands for ever.

I can’t be like her–and truth be told, I probably wouldn’t want to be.

so much to thank you for…

I just wanted to write you and let you know how much I care about you and how well we have known each other having great moments together. Words cannot express how much your friendship means to me. Whole-heartedly; a warm hug to you.   
I just wanted to thank you for sharing and making me laugh. Thanks for being the most awesome friend whom everyone would dream of. Thanks for the warm moments, caring times and loving experiences. Thanks for understanding me and most importantly, thanks for just being there standing besides me and not over me and I’m so lucky to have you; A True Friend.

There are so many reasons; so many causes to thank you for. Thanks for all the happiness you present upon me. Thanks for holding my hand through out the time. Thanks for making me see what I don’t see. Thanks for tolerating my unconventional behaviour and thanks for making me overexcited.  Thanks for hugging me hard when I need your warmth. Thanks for loving me for the way I am; love u too.  I have lot more reason but I think u’ll get bored  (I know u never get bored of my writing, just more for next time la)

Have been giving you lots of pain and truly sorry for acting weird and being mad at you even knowing what worst is going on with you. Even though I know I m making mistakes but intentionally I never would want to break your heart. It pains me a lot more even than i give you suffer; the guilt of being jerk.  Dear, I’ll always be right beside you, and you will never have to wonder if I still care. Thinking about you all day long. 

You always seem to know just what to say and I really appreciate that. I know that you are so sincere with your thoughts that you write or say to me. You are the one who always makes me feel better about myself and makes me laugh at all the crazy stuff we talk about that no one understands but only us. We have both been through a lot of ups and downs within each other, and we have also found the trust and comfort in each other. We are always knowing what each other is thinking whether something is wrong, or right.

 I am sorry for the times I’ve hurt you, but I’m glad of the times that I’ve made you smile.

You have been grateful to me all through this time and expect the same with you on. When you’re near me I feel like everything in the world is right, and I know I don’t have to ask God for anything because as long I have you in my life I have everything I could ever want. All I want would be to wish for your life to be as happy as you have made me. Thank you for being there when I need you. Na risaiso na hajur ma sanga.

Before you, I didn’t think much of myself as really anyone important, but you have brought out the best in me! You have always been my mentor and a true inspiration. I can’t be angry with you for anythg. Just sometimes little madness when I don’t find you, what to do dear, m worried about you ni. My care for you is also weird ni(dekhauna aaudaina). I realize that you only want me to see what you see in me, even if I don’t believe that is possible. You have seen more in me than anyone in this world – including myself. You know me more than anyone. 

Muri Muri Dhanyabaad hajur lai  for always being there for me, and doing everything you can to make my life easier. You deserve THANKS.

In fact STILL I cannot find the words to describe exactly how my heart feels when I am with you. However, even if I had all descriptive words out of dictionary, I am sure that there still would not be a word that would fit exactly right to say about you. If anyone wants to know about you, I wouldn’t hesitate to tell how wonderful you are; truly an ANGEL who has a true heart with pure soul. I truly respect your thoughts and feelings. I worry and I care for you, dear. I have no doubt whatsoever in my mind.

Someone once told me, remember the good part than the worst. Apologizing my dear friend, for being rude to you. I’ll try my best to be the way you want out of me. Although you may be feeling, somewhat out of touch, but never forget that your best friend loves you very much. Call me; m always there for you whenever you need me. Just a thought away  

You may not be here with me… But thoughts of you are always in my heart… I Miss You!

I hope that you get all your happiness and joy in your life, because that’s what you deserve.  

 I always pray to god to have you as a friend in my every birth…

22nd March 2012

move on…

I wish the fear doesn’t disappear of having nothing more to lose…

What comes after moving on? Staying farther away?

When a relationship ends, each person has to go through the stage we call “moving on.” The pictures of the used-to-be couple/friends is removed from every possible place, the name on the phonebook is changed, and the gifts & letters are kept in a box… putting a blanket over the fond memories that need to be erased or at least be forgotten. This is how we try to move on.

…its not easy but i am trying… don’t understand the exact meaning of ‘not easy’…

When we finally do, what happens next? Do we stay as far away from the other as possible? When is it far enough? What if that person reaches out again? Do you remove the blanket of the forgotten?

As simple to stay but hard to implement…

M moving on (or so I think I have), and we’ve agreed to remain friends. Does it really works??? Just Friends Only??? But, it is rather difficult staying with the decision that there already exist a line that can no longer be crossed. What could simple being in touch do, right?? Still, I refused. I cannot risk falling again because I know for sure she won’t do anything to me.

Staying farther away… that shouldn’t be the case. Stay far enough to remember, but not too close to forget… There is a thick line of reality, neither of us should cross.