I haven’t slept all tonight and ended up going exercise early morning in dark. I had to do something. I felt like my heart was going to stop. The guilt within, I can’t get rid of my thoughts and I can’t stop thinking about her. I m trying so hard not to worry. I kept doing my breathing exercises to calm myself down but it wasn’t working. I am afraid I might do somethg wrong and the only thing I could think of to divert my negative thoughts was to run(exercise) on fullest.
I sent her an email saying ‘sorry’ and the reason i didn’t mean to hurt her and got a very short response next day. She said she’s tired of me and don’t wanna listen to any of my nonsense. I wonder if I will hate her when this is all over. I wonder if we will get through. My mind kept playing all of these different scenarios of how horribly it could end for me. I wish my thoughts didn’t hate me so. This whole experience is just heartbreaking.
Sometime i think i don’t deserve to be her friend also, because thoughts literally tearing me apart. I have this constant physical pressure on my heart and it worries me. I can’t wait until she finally calls me and can talk to her again. I need to talk to her and apologize and say her that m not perfect. I don’t know what I’ll do if she decides to give up on ‘us’. I am terribly afraid that I might just pass out and never wake up. I don’t want to live life without her; don’t wanna lose her.
I trusted her. I trusted that she loved me as much as I love her. I trusted that she would stay true to that believing on ‘us’. I trusted my heart and my love to her. I trusted that she would protect it all because she taught me to believe in ‘we’ rather than individual. I told myslf that our bond is forever. Even worse, i don’t know y i can’t make her happy. I am always trying so hard to be the best and understanding, but i’ve never been able to.
God, I want this to be over. I don’t know how much longer I can take it.
