apology

I am here today, in this way, because I need to apologize to you. I failed you. Although I did not lie to you in words, I lied to you which i thought wouldn’t matter to you. I never meant to ruin the relationship which mean a lot to me.

 

I know you’re not talking to me, but I hope you’ll read this. I am so sorry for being a jerk. It was a stupid thing to do with stupidity. When your call comes, it drives me nuts. I know you don’t mean anything by it, but I’m so insecure when it comes to your love. I know, anyone in your place would see the way you saw. 

 

You have come into my life at a time when I needed you the most. We talked about so many things that I started to realize my heart and my soul was totally attached to you. You placed comfort where there was fear, confidence where there was  doubt, a shoulder where tears could fall and completeness where there is emptiness. I want to hold onto this so badly that I did whatever it took for you to notice. What I didn’t realize was that I could not do even a small mistake to lose myself entirely. I want to be the one who would be there when you needed to talk. I want to be the comfort for your soul when the world is too much to handle. I want to be strong for you when everything else seemed impossible. I want to love you in only the way you deserved to be loved, my love for you was and is pure, I like you the way you are.

 

This is no excuse, but please understand that I’ve never lived this life before. I’ve existed under the caring yet ruling period of my father for long years and then came you into my life,  you has given me a new perspective—to live my life through your eyes.  All the things that I told you about how I felt and how you make me feel are true. Nothing else mattered to me except hearing the laughter in your voice when you were happy. Just to be with you i can do anything and i can go for a kill to see the smile on your face. You made my days easy to get through and my nights at peace, looking forward to another day, even though distance separates us just being was enough.

 

   I cannot retract what I did. I can only offer infinite apologies and a promise to never again leave our friendship unguarded. I’m sorry for hurting you and if I had to do all over again I would have been 100% with you.

 

If I have been half the friend to you that you’ve been to me, then I ask you to forgive me and hope that you’ll atleast consider it. 

U

“Love is when you chose to do everything in your power to make the other person happy regardless of your ever-changing emotions.”

One night, she calls saying she has something serious to talk abt, as normally i reacted, what had happened, with full emotion, the softness & sweetness on her tone saying, i think i love you. Wow, that day is the most memorable day of my life out of many special moments had with her.

It was shock of my life, when she confessed me that she actually fell for me. The happiest day of my life, i said thankyou & told i loved all these days and she always mean everything to me. She always knew that she has love in her heart for me but she was scared to say if i wouldn’t understand her feelings. On that very special day FELT LIKE TO to sing, heart made to wriggle and smiles reached to grin, taking mind to jump and body to jazz; which i did without letting her know.  Her traditional and introvert thinking keeps her to hide her feelings; very cute and i like her this way a lot.  She miss me and recalls me how i am and what i am doing, how much i am missing her; all within a minute she wants to know. She is busy with her work and with her struggle at home but she doesn’t miss a second just to hear my voice. Sometimes she herself gets confused what is the feeling that she keep in her heart for me. Is it love…or…what? Though she used to always say that feeling to be loved is always awesome. She even thinks that for a girl like her how can a person like me can win her heart.

 

…a gal just standing infront of a guy and asking him to love her…

I won’t lie but my heart races for no reason whenever she is near me. I always thought that she loved me, the way she was happy to see me always, her care but  she was always scared to tell me, might b it’s because she’s a gal, or might be i  couldn’t carry her feelings in her way or might be i was not that much capable to the Mr. right for her. I know am not that perfect to understand her but i would happily welcome her as i did now. Anyway, doesn’t matter to me, my love for her is unconditional. She’s the one whom i would love to devote my full life . Frankly speaking, i loved her truly from my heart and i never thought i would tell her my feelings also, because of the weird feeling that i might lose her. She was waiting since very long time for me to say those three words which any gal would want to hear from a guy, expressing the heartfelt feelings for her(maya garera). My fault, the hardest thing is keeping all the feelings inside of me, not letting her know how it really is deep down… I’m not the kind of person to show my emotions and what really goes through my head; stupid donkey(slapping myself on the back of my head)..

Every second is so precious, every detail of action is so important.

Every breathe that comes out  is heart beating

She has lot of excellent qualities which have convinced me that no one is comparable to her and have made her such an unforgettable girl for me. She’s cute. She’s funny. She’s got gorgeous eyes and a stunning smile. I haven’t said her name yet. She has a very soft heart with a pure soul. I admire her honesty, her simplicity, being kind hearted, her self-esteem, I admire almost all of her natures. She always knows how to carry herself and does in the same way. She chosen me, don’t know what she had in mind before she thought to know me. I can’t imagine how she figure’s out, but i can tell you, she’s very good at her instinct. Whenever i meet her or talk to her the warmth of affection and feeling of love & care is always there. Her presence just completely changes my mood. She makes me happy without even trying. She’s perfect, amazing personality. She made me a person, and she always cared about me, she was all through my bad times and the moment whenever i wanted to share my thoughts. She always forgives me killing agony and pain, freaking out of silence and her quietness for the love in her heart, which I always appreciate and admire her saying sorry and won’t b repeating again(sometime gets repeated).

She loves me for who I really am and wouldn’t change a thing…what more could a guy like me ask for? Nothing! All in all we may be very different, but in fact opposites attract so we are perfectly balanced. I would like to tell that when you deeply in love with a person then you should show it. Being with the one you loved is no waste of time. Every second is so precious, every detail of action is so important. From my own experience, one thing I notice is that when m with her, silence is the best words to understand what the heart and soul says. At the moment you are surrounded with different thoughtful emotions and expression of love. Pure happiness enfolds you and everything fall automatically, without any effort at all. She is everything I wished for more than i could ever deserve.

Every time I keep my phones nearby me, without missing any chance to my phone ringing voice calling for me. Have become addicted to her voice, night with her sweet voice and morning with a wakeup msg. She means the world to me. I know this is definitely love. Because this is the strongest I have felt in my entire life. I owe so much to her. She is absolutely amazing and I want her to be by my side… forever. I wanna let her know what I really love her for;

I love the way she looks at me; the heavenly glowing eyes always searching for me and never tired to keep staring at my face.

I love the way she hold my hand, kiss on them & holds on her cheeks.

The way she speaks; listen to her all the time without even blinking my eyes until she expects for my response.

The way she asks; knows everything before i say, but still she wants to hear it from me, she likes a lot to listen from me.

The way she cares; doesn’t want any trouble in my life, she always wants me to be happy.

The way she cry; so sorry to say but it’s most of the time me, who brings precious tears on her eyes. Stupid me.

The way she smiles; die for the cute smile she carries on her face, the slight dimple which tries to appear whenever she smiles.(only I can notice)

The way she sings; she sang for me and i loved the way she sang for me(none ever sang before her).

The way she hug; as if there’s no tomorrow, being with her is the awesome feelings that comes from within. The peace within makes me feel as if m in heaven, i always dreamt of, forget everything while in her arms, holding her tightly.

The way she kiss; first touch of her rosy & soft lips is divine which i have no words to express the feelings.

The way she tells me how she feel; even on a bad day; she says she can’t carry grudge for long time and so she always forgives me.

The way she holds herself together; whenever m not around and makes me feel as in if m in her arms, the long-long breath she inhales, I can hear the heart beating calling for me.

The way she loves; when she says she loves me, i just feel like to dance(roughly) and hug her tightly and plant a kiss on lips saying, I love you too. The best part is when she scares me saying she has something serious to say and says ‘i love you’.

I love the way she says me ‘Donkey’.

The ways…

The never ending ways that make my heart beats for her. She shares everythg with me and like her, i always wanted her to be comfortable talking to me. I have seen her tears the way she cries alone. I used to cry within myslf with her. I hate to say but she doesn’t deserve that place, i even don’t like when her family member hurts her, I never want her to be upset; no trouble & pain nearby her. Many times she feels herself helpless, she as a human deserves love and I convince her that m gonna give her every love she deserves from everywhere i can. And whatever happens, m always with her and needn’t be worried coz m never gonna leave her alone at any circumstances. She’s little ziddi, but i know y she’s doing so, she wants my full attention and she looks cute that way and i love the way she acts like ketaketi(used to call her ‘ketaketi’). Now a days loving what she does, often even passionate, but still feeling like there’s more. She believes that she must give some time for herself also, which i am loving a lot, she’s happy and makes me even more happy.

To me, she is perfect.

I chose to love her, because she is everything I want in a woman; who is beautiful, confident, passionate, humorous and affectionate. We have that compatibility, and I also have that unexplainable love feeling towards her. I have had days where I’ve questioned if I made the right choice, but I quickly remind myself that I have based on who we are and how well we go together. We all have our days where we aren’t feeling it, and we all mess up, but love never gives up. Feelings changes but love never.

It would be a lie if i said that i can tell how she feels about me, her love for me is truly unconditional. I don’t know how to explain my feelings for her. I love every single thing about her, I miss her that warmth touch, the simple honest smile, the silky smooth skin of her, the soft caress of her hand and I miss….. I miss everything about her. I acknowledge that she has faults but they make her human and that makes her even more perfect.

I am no more afraid to hug you tightly and am waiting us to meet.

 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

hitting on the wall

I haven’t slept all tonight and ended up going exercise early morning in dark. I had to do something. I felt like my heart was going to stop. The guilt within, I can’t get rid of my thoughts and I can’t stop thinking about her. I m trying so hard not to worry. I kept doing my breathing exercises to calm myself down but it wasn’t working. I am afraid I might do somethg wrong and the only thing I could think of to divert my negative thoughts was to run(exercise) on fullest.

I sent her an email saying ‘sorry’ and the reason i didn’t mean to hurt her and got a very short response next day. She said she’s tired of me and don’t wanna listen to any of my nonsense. I wonder if I will hate her when this is all over. I wonder if we will get through. My mind kept playing all of these different scenarios of how horribly it could end for me. I wish my thoughts didn’t hate me so. This whole experience is just heartbreaking.

Sometime i think i don’t deserve to be her friend also, because thoughts literally tearing me apart. I have this constant physical pressure on my heart and it worries me. I can’t wait until she finally calls me and can talk to her again. I need to talk to her and apologize and say her that m not perfect. I don’t know what I’ll do if she decides to give up on ‘us’. I am terribly afraid that I might just pass out and never wake up. I don’t want to live life without her; don’t wanna lose her.

I trusted her. I trusted that she loved me as much as I love her. I trusted that she would stay true to that believing on ‘us’. I trusted my heart and my love to her. I trusted that she would protect it all because she taught me to believe in ‘we’ rather than individual. I told myslf that our bond is forever. Even worse, i don’t know y i can’t make her happy. I am always trying so hard to be the best and understanding, but i’ve never been able to.

God, I want this to be over. I don’t know how much longer I can take it.

new year

Goodbye 2011

We all have our moments when we start to look back at our life. Most of the time the tendency is to look back at what you didn’t do,  fall into a little bit of despair and say to yourself with the hope that next year it will be better. Years pass and it seems that those wishes we had are somehow fulfilled, not fully  to what we’ve wanted but close enough, well yet keeping unfulfilled wish for coming years on. We always hope the new year to spend in a better way.

This year was a change in the story of my life. It went fast, it helped me grow up, mature in many things and see that life is more wonderful than as I pictured. Each year i try myself to be better in every way, but well most of the time doesn’t succeed in making everyone happy; i guess not possible also. Living for others first then if time live for self. Every year comes with a challenge and it’s like someone saying: “You need to go through this, so you can became stronger, wiser and more confident than ever”. It is funny because sometimes I don’t see it like that. We complain, why God does certain things, we don’t understand, we want it our way. And we hope that our path it’s better than God’s. But we forget that whatever happens always happens for the best. But in the end we need God when its very much complicated to provide us the way out. The hope, we give it different names but in anyway its always the faith within ourselves which keeps us alive in moving forward crossing through lots of ups and down time.

We oath lots of resolution and from the very beginning we take sincerely with hope  that finally this will turn our way. We always run after our dream to achieve something, but when we get it , makes feel good! Or if it doesn’t, we realize how much pain involves and how stupid we were to ask for this and we don’t need it anymore. We throw it all away. We still search for the missing point. It doesn’t make too much sense what I am saying here, but I look back at decisions I’ve made, things i have done, people I met, situations I’ve been through.

I realise this year, no matter how big are your problems, how difficult is the way, there is  hope.

Broken dreams, unfulfilled wishes, regrets, somewhere there is hope.

Out in the world, there is hope.

Some great thing must happen to all of us to see that there is hope. What? How? When?

Questions, suspicions, doubtfulness…honestly I am  tired of them.

Solutions, explications, results…there is hope.

Biding a Sweet Goodbye to 2011 for providing the most wonderful and amazing moments, I hereby, Welcome 2012 with open arms, a smile, and hope that it really will be a great Year too, not just for me or us, but all the people that I care for too.