real stone of my life…











{November 14, 2011}   …children’s day…

While returning from morning walk today, i saw a man hitting a child; might b father n son. Everyone nearby and passerby(including me) were just staring n doing nothing, nobody was forward in interfering in between them. Its not fair obviously such a muscular man hitting his son with a stick. I don’t think that child deserved such a punishment.

Anyway after i saw the incident, i got a flashback of a story which flashed just infront of my eyes & here i am. Its a story of a child(boy) who’s born in a middle class family. His father in a government service and mother a housewife. Describing about his father; loyal, sincere, intelligent & hardworking who has his own rules. Mother; loyal, sincere to husband n hardworking t00. Since the guys birth, his whole family had to run under each and every rules, instructed by the head of home department. Born as a child(boy), raised by, was taught to be disciplined & hardworker, well though intelligent was not that good when it comes into his brain.

the story of his boy is not like normal family’s routine or say like family environment. Until it was his age to go to school, he didn’t want to, he hate school, n never wanted to go. Living in a cage around boundary for six hours was like a hell. sometime jumping over the running cycle, van, bus was minor thing not even caring of the injury. Might b it was his childish behavour which made him think about the consequences leading him to lots of body injury. It was a regular routine, jumping from a moving vehicle on the way to school. Father used to be out of town for most of the time, so this incident often happened. Mother couldn’t handle is anymore, impossible for a 6 yrs kid to send school when father was out of town, so parents decided to send the boy to far away frm home town as Boarders(studying n living in school). Atleast frm there he couldn’t get out n reach back home. Might b that was appropriate, the boy left no choice. Two years being boarders, the boy hardly got chance to meet his parents. Might b that bought some chances in him and he was reassigned to go school in his own hometown. But well, going to school n returning from school was challenging now. Parents couldn’t afford for the transportation, so the boy had to reach school on his own by public transportation i.e. local bus. Rules are rules, going school n time, after school hrs directly to home, no else where. Reach home , do the homework, finished then help mom in kitchen, do the field work, if time left then study. No friends no play, no such word like off…

He was under strict orders n rule to follow for each n every work to do. Explanation had to be given for whatever circumstance he goes through.  Broken rules means a big punishment. The daily routine for school, nothing other than that. He had no choice rather to follow his father’s rules, bocz of the punishment which were out of ordinary, those type of punishment were only given to prisoners & the worst part is infront of people around. The child suffered a lot, none to say and nowhere to speak out for himself. Well, might b though he deserved punishment but those type of punishment, none deserves.

Its not that these days am living with the past, but sometime i wakeup in middle of night with some scream on ears. Its long time back, which i can never forget coz its the fact, none can even imagine or feel whatever i have gone through.  I don’t know even myself how i am able to hold on all these and keep me controlled. Gone through a lot making me strong enough to kill some part of me.

Its me, my life has gone through these type of many rough situation which none can even think of. Telling everyone and sharing my story here, doesn’t mean people to show me sympathy but it makes me feel better once i write it. Not so simple as you think and not so easy from the place i have come from. Been through hell and now no anymore so since the last five years i have been living my life in my own way & m happy and having a good time now.

Not that so simple to ignore whatever i suffered and move ahead but had i choice.???!!!

anyway today  we are celebrate children’s day, so just a small tribute from my end to all those children whoever have a bad childhood suffering from lots of trouble.

A very Happy Children’s Day.



{November 5, 2011}   feeling guilty

I am full on  aware of the feelings of guilt that comes when I do something that I didn’t want to do, but do you know that you could be feeling guilty for your whole life for something that you are not even aware of??

I tried my best to convience her. i kept pleading to her for mercy. I did my best to explain and tell her that whatever happenened was a mistake. but she was in no mood to understand me. My confidence in her that she would understand me was completely shatttered. And soon i lost my temper and did somethg worst, which i shouldn’t have done that day. I don’t know but i was very furious with her behaviour.  She told me she would never call me again, and i was determined that i would never show my face to her again.

…how can I ever forget the day, how monster i acted being a total jerk. I guess forgiveness isn’t the way to just make me feel better. Though whatever forgiveness i get, m never gonna get out of it. I can never look into those eyes, which i always valued and respected. The bad emotions you feel at the moment of time are not simple that hurt someone special who always trusted you. Being insane got me to lose the trust for life time. Its very hard to be trusted but losing it is the worst part specially from the close one. In between the bad feelings you experience at the moment of time when u realize you are guilty is hard to change.

Its not that i just don’t realize my mistake but it happens frequently in another way though i might not be repeating the same mistake again. You know as much i try to be best, in some way something goes always wrong. As long as you are ignoring those long term problems and as long as you are indifferent towards solving them your feelings of guilt will always be there, you might not be aware of them because they will always be hiding in between other emotions but defiantly they will be contributing to your bad mood.

…mind can only hide the feelings and not the effect that results from them…

Thinking now of the things that I have always wanted to do in order to preserve my values but failed to do them, and decide that starting from this second am not going to give up and that I will keep trying until I do them.

I always had faith on our friendship, believed in it and still was expecting everything to be normal back again. Hope so everythg goes back on track again.



et cetera