weird…

suddenly in the middle of a conversation, ‘you know, you are weird!’… the comment passed out while i was having a conversation with one of colleague. Well, i said thankyou, compliment or criticize. Well but i guess the word’weird’ wasn’t a compliment(got to know later) but still i thanked at that moment, no regrets. Nothing to surprise me when people call me so.

The say-er is what is weird, not the object that weird is attributed to.

It doesn’t matter how you define it. Well, acting weird or being weird, the exact definition, i don’t know. I know is different, out of ordinary. The one who says weird coz basically that is not normal to him/her; its strange and different. Doesn’t matter good or nice or eligible in behaviour. The view and definition are different with situation, sometime compliment whereas sometime critics. I have my own vision to look out, want to be different, i think differently does that mean m weird, so that if i am. Its my choice, i might not like the people’s thoughts, society & surroundings but still i have to live within it. I can’t change the whole world for me so to adjust with the environment y not chance myself; as a result m WEIRD. A perfect definition to describe me.

No matter what the weird thing people think or say –the person who says it is the one who is different and not normal.

friendship

You know. I’m, tired of writing these shits with no truth or meaning in them. This time, it’s real. It really bites me. It’s about how your friendship can die, but never come back. I’m writing this and crying; for real. How could that go wrong? We were like BFF’s. We had a great time together, the best moments in my life. I’m a guy, she’s a gal. How do you think – what wen’t wrong? EVERYTHING. Love went in the middle of friendship. She told me that she really likes me, but she doesn’t wan’t to end our friendship. But if you have a best friend in opposite gender- you probably know how I felt- I loved her but didn’t tell her, I didn’t wanna lose my best friend.  We still were great friends,- we shared everything, we had fun whenever together. It was perfect. But everything started to go wrong. When one day, she told me that she wants me to get off her head & she expects my help too. It was her call. But I don’t know what happened in my head, i was numb. She told me – “That she  can’t talk and didn’t wanna risk any problem”. It’s disgusting even to think about that. As a friend, it was few months ago- I decided myself to disappear from her life, so I stayed away. For the last time i helped my friend. And that’s the end. But I miss her, I miss our friendship- I know I blew it up. I’m sorry that I’m just a human- but that was too much. It is biggest mistake of my life. I can’t stop thinking about what happened, I’m still crying time by time. I’ll never forget our friendship and this is so true : A real friend is hard to find, difficult to leave and impossible to forget.

 

I’m really sorry for being jerk, if you’ll ever read this…

Promises are just lies with pretty ribbons tied to them.

Promise – such a big word, we rarely keep.

Why do we need promises? To make someone stick around for long enough to lock them up.

…said I’ll never hurt you, so that means,  promised to stay with you forever. But forever never lasts, so as long as you know- that this is where you want to be now, if this moment is worth the pain at the end.

We humans are so weird. When someone says he/she loves you, you go ahead and believe. But at the end it’s all the same, meanless game, that had one hot spot.

Sometimes I wonder if not saying that you love someone would make it less painfull, but let’s be honest: If you tell or not tell someone that , that doesn’t make you feel any different. Maybe we are afraid that these 3 words, these simple 8 letters can scare someone off?! Well, if he/she doesn’t love he/she’s gonna leave anyway, if he/she does he/she’ll stay and make you happy.

There’s so much I can’t say when I look in your eyes, I’m worried you’ll reject me, and hurt my foolish pride, Each day this love grows stronger but I could never let you know, There is so much behind my smile, that I could never show, I’d hold you for a lifetime if you would let me in, I’d love you like no other, but you won’t understand. Everytime I see you, holding on to thhe arms of his, the pains like a knife, cutting deep in my soul, So I’ll dream of us together of just how i wanted and all that you are will remain a silent part of me.

Why promise, if you know you can’t keep the promise? Why lie if you could tell the truth? We all have a lot to learn, and nobody knows nothing. Knowing how to read a book is not knowing about life, it’s knowing about stuff that takes your mind off the life, knowing about love, sorrow, pain and trust, friendship but most of all broken hearts – that’s what we should know, but we never will, we’ll be like this; Sick in selfish World.

no idea…

“If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is compromise.”

I’ve always been pretty sure about what am I gonna do with my life, but here I am, empty-minded this morning, hoping I had half of that confidence I had back then.

It’s just that you are always so sure about what you are going to do, which way are going to go, what road are you going to pick, but when the moment comes, when you should know exactly what’s right for you, you know nothing at all. So here I am, hoping I do not make mistake, at the same time freaking out quietly, praying for nothing worst to come… But it’s never that easy, nothing’s that easy. You may have to walk down 5 roads to realize, that your first pick was the right one, or you might walk one road and never find what you’ve been seeking for, then blaming yourself whole your life- what if you would have just made one choice differently. What if… That’s a new one. How many times have people wondered what would have happened if they did something differently, most of them are miserable and unhappy with their choices. But, to be honest I don’t want to blame myself for my life, I want to do this right. But how? Here we go again, one more question that is not answered. Do you think that’s it? No, I could ask you what’s the reason for my fear? – but no, I know answer to that one – it’s not knowing, we don’t like things we don’t understand or can’t predict. Isn’t this just perfect? I wish I could know answer to the big question at the end WHAT IS IT GOING TO BE? – but there it is again – questions, wondering, guessing – I am tired of that. I just want to end this battle with myself, but I can’t. What if I make the biggest mistake of my life? What will I do ?

Everyone just wants a very happy ending ever after…

Boulevard of Broken Dreams

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don’t know where it goes
But it’s home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
When the city sleeps
And I’m the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone

tears AND laugh…

We always thought we’d look back on our tears and laugh, but we never thought we’d look back on our laughter and cry.

Some people say that friendship can’t be broken. Maybe they’re right, maybe people we loose are actually not our friends… They just use you until new company… But you never know and you’ll never believe them when they answer you.. You sit and think for several hours, till you realize that this just doesn’t make any sense… being selfish and thinking to live your life your way, without any care. You just want your life to be easier to live for and maintain social life. How does that make sense? But actually what does make sense? EVERYONE DESERVES PEACE. You make it look like I’m guilty, coz i don’t understand. What about you stop being selfish for 10 seconds and think if really I’m the only one to blame? I cared and I care, but you don’t. THAT’S THE TRUTH! I’m not the one who’s childish here, childish are the things I hear from others, childish are people who talks them, cause they don’t even know me… And now, you’ve got some other, a better company, the ones who cares about you a lot, and so now you don’t need me.. So easy to throw away someone you don’t need, isn’t it? You don’t care.. Everything you’ve told me seems so wrong now, but theory finally makes sense. But don’t worry I’ll get fucking out of your life, just as you wish… Just when you decide to know how i am, don’t talk to me… Cause the way I feel and remember our friendship will never change, but I don’t need a your concern to get to thrown away and get hurt again. but I won’t tell anything more, cause I don’t mean to start a war.

I hate people who don’t care about anything besides them.

——————

I have a lot to say about you, but the truth is I would never leave you. After all you’ve done, I say. But now at the end it doesn’t really matter because somewhere somethg went wrong n, we lost it…. forever…

We’ll always have some part of that all with us, if we’ll remember the times we gone, I don’t know how to say it anymore.

The memories kills slowly…. Forgetting is easy, since when do you search for the way out? Since when did you stop caring? Since when I decided to let you down?

We have… had something different, we had that strange connection, weirdest of all out of me with stupid things looked surprisingly normal if I were with you…

I love… loved the way we could talk about everything, but still keep it the way it should be… or didn’t it?

I was confused… and still am, how you could make me feel better even when I used to be on my worst time….

I loved…. no still LOVE you… and my heart will never let you go…. I’ve locked you in…. forever and always you’ll be there, but I won’t tell you, cause we lost it…

Still remember those days, my friend…. when I could say:

I don’t know why…., but I know I had the best days with you, all time.

Don’t forget all the things we’ve done together, I miss our friendship, and I always will….

And saying those things, I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU ANYMORE, were the BIGGEST mistakes in my life…

DON’T JUDGE ME…

Don’t judge me based upon how I used to be… I’ve changed. I’m no longer the ONE who’d do anything for your smile…

I used to die for your smile,

Thinking you’re my fairy tale,

I thought you’re something rare,

Real and very special.

But now I know you’re just a dream,

Thinking you are just a fairy tale,

You’ve built a feeling blocking wall,

That’s very sad, my friend.

You made me feel like I need you,

I didn’t actually know who you are,

I was blinded by your smile,

A little more than just a while.

The things I thought I  want,

The things I thought I’ll never forget,

But actually you’re not the one I’m thinking of,

The one you’ll never think of is the one I miss,

who won’t blind me,

I see everything clear now,

So go away and forget it,

I’m not the ONE, that would do anything for your smile.

I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at myself for believing you’re someone you’re not.

It’s one thing to make the same mistake twice. It’s another thing to make it all your life.

We think that holding on is what keeps as alive, I say – screw that, it’s letting go! How long will you keep your hopes up when all that happens is someone/ something hurting you? For how long will you fight something that’s invincible? Sooner or later you are gonna have to give up. For a long time I tried to hold on, to believe in my hopes, but the darkness just kept coming after me, it kept hurting me, like cutting with a knife, it kept destroying me, like seperating me from everyone, it kept making me suffer…

———-

After the tragic, I started thinking. Why is everything the way it is? Is it because I’m awful? Is it because I’m wrong? Or maybe cause I just don’t know who I am anymore… I’m thinking about taking the mask off, I wan’t to be myself again… only I don’t know how anymore… I’ve built such a protection shield around me, so that no one can hurt me, but it still doesn’t work.. of course, it may be worse… I want to let my guard down, I want to be true again, I’m just too scared that I’d be hurt again.. I wonder if it’s because I’m dumb, I wonder if it’s because I’m alone. Or maybe I just want to be a person? When I look at people I just don’t see the conection between them and me, cause I’m so much different.. But I’m done with trying to pull myself together, I’m done with being alone, I’m done with my life. I’m starting a new one!

……

all i’m asking is don’t make promises you can’t keep. and dont say things you don’t mean. cause in the end, those things mean everything.

 

“I will never forget you”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep”

“I’m not..”

“People always forget, it’s in their nature, you can’t change your nature”

…it’s never your enemies that get you. It’s always your own people…

“It’s never your enemies that get you. It’s always your own people.”

The ones you hate don’t have the power to hurt you. I know I’ve always said everything depending on the way I have observed, but sometimes you don’t really get options. See, I never thought I’d be acting weird, I know, but I’m tired of acting as if I was fine. I CAN’T LIE TO MYSELF ANYMORE. “It is very difficult to make me mad” – I always say, but it’s really not that hard these days… because no matter what I do, others seem to know better. No matter what I say, others seem to have heard something else therefore I choose to take my journey of life alone. It may be wrong but I was proven one more time that the only person you can really trust is you yourself.  See the weirdest part is being mad at people for doing what they are doing to you when you hate yourself deeply for the exact same thing you’ve done. So what if it is my biggest regret of all? So what if I have never felt this guilty for anything? So what? I did it. I am a jerk, i know. At least I have the guts to admit it.

Stay true to yourself because there are very few people who will stay true to you.

See, I hate drama, I really can’t stand it at all, so I’ve stopped contacting people who bring that in my life. And right now I’m scared for my life. I’m scared from the person I’ve become – someone who isn’t himself, someone who doesn’t take life seriously AT ALL, someone who does stuff to regret with all my heart later, this feeling of emptiness and sorrow…. I hate myself more than I hate people who are trying to ruin my life actually. Because a friend of mine said: “the only person who can ruin your life is you yourself”, and was right. I was denying it though…. but I just don’t see a point of anything anymore. My life is so fucked up again…. more than ever perhaps… I’m in the middle of drama I m trying to avoid. See, there is a difference between when realizing your life has been ruined and when you have ruined your own life. And let me just tell you that I am feeling nothing right now. Nothing at all. Neither regret nor disappointment in myself. And that is the worst part. I can act I don’t care about people around me what others say or do, but I can’t deny I’ve ruined my own life, my own feelings & relationship. I’m the only cause for all of my problems and long time issues. I can accuse whoever I want to accuse for my problems but in the end I should have known better than trusting people who don’t care anyways. And why should they? In the end life always is about saving yourself… Apart in the movie ‘titanic’, where hero saves d gals, but in real life, you don’t really think about who you’re leaving behind on the sinking ship… you don’t think about what you meant to them… you don’t think about what they would have done and actually DID for you, do you? And so on, disappointment after disappointment you eventually end up alone and lonely.

Despite the desperate attempts to be angry at others, I end up feeling sorry for myself… sorry for miserable life… life where drama is the way to tell people what you think… where people are worried about themselves only.

If someone you love hurts you cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it.

“I’m going to smile and make you think I’m happy, I’m going to laugh, so you don’t see me cry, I’m going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me – I’m going to smile.”

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”

“If you can’t save the relationship, at least save your pride.”

“Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew.”
“I’m not supposed to love you, I’m not supposed to care, I’m not supposed to live my life wishing you were there. I’m not supposed to wonder where you are or what you’re doing, but I can’t help it, cause I’m in love with you.”
“I wonder, when you look into my eyes and watch my heart shatter, does it break your heart too, even crack it a little bit?”

“I miss you a little, I guess you could say, a little too much, a little too often, and a little more each day.”

“The hardest part of dreaming about someone you love is having to wake up.”

“No one can promise they’ll never hurt you, because at one time or another they will. The real promise is if the time you spent together will be worth the pain in the end.”

“If I hadn’t met you, I wouldn’t like you. If I hadn’t liked you, I wouldn’t love you. If I wouldn’t love you, I wouldn’t miss you. But I did, I do and I will.”

“I just realized, it’s so lonely being free.”

“You don’t die from a broken heart.. you only wish you did.”

“You don’t realize how much you care about someone until they don’t care about you.”

If someone you love hurts you cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it.

Never be sad for what is over, just be glad that it was once yours.

Someday never really comes, does it?
I would like to stay a secret, like walking in the dark, if no one knows you, no one cares and no one breaks your heart.

How do I say goodbye to someone I never really had? Why do my tears fall so endlessly for someone who was never really mine? Why is it I miss someone I was never really with? And why do I love someone whose love was never really mine?

dignity..

…m writing this article coz it really piss me off the most when someone doubts on my loyalty.

…never try to F*%K with my integrity…

my dad being the toughest cop of the town, was sincere and loyal to his duty and for his country; served his country very truly and m really proud of him. I guess the same blood running in my vein makes me also feel the same when it comes about being tough(not so much), sincerity, trust & loyalty.

I have a theory; if you don’t trust yourself then never say me that you trust me & believe me. It pisses me off  the most when one says that they trust me and still question mark on my loyalty meaning to hurt my dignity; unbearable.  I hardly let people enter into my world, and so m surrounded by only few people, so called friends & family among whom i trust and expect the same in return coz once m betrayed then i become the worst of the worst for lifetime; bitter truth. When i say people to trust me then i say with full sincerity, to believe in me and for the trust i can even be ready to give up my life for. As long as m truthful then I believe the other to be the same, I hate liers, and backstabbing is what i wouldn’t want the people close to me be. Since my childhood i was always told to see the truth and never to trust anyone, coz in the cruel world nobody can be truly called yours. Everyone is selfish. As much as concern about cruel & selfish world, i have seen what cases my dad used to handle; domestic violence, murder, thief, robbery etc. Mine childhood just passed watching through the different variation of people in society.

 If any one says that he/she loves somebody by heart than there rise suspect behind his/her motive

…each n every relationship stands with a bound of selfishness…

Though my dad didn’t had much time of his to spend with family, risking his life, whole night he used go for duty and i watch mom whole night praying to god for him to be fine and return the next morning alive. Every night we wished he would return alive. He had time for everyone but when it comes to family he didn’t even bother what we were going through, he only knew was his duty and serve the people, his country. Anyway no regret, but his loyalty always encouraged me to be the toughest and sincere. He believes in fame more than money & so do i speak his words even now. I guess that’s what for he was given the Bravery Medal of Honor for his Act of Valor from Late King Birendra Bir Bikram Shah Dev. 

But in today’s selfish & cruel world, sincerity, loyalty, fame doesn’t let us live peacefully if u don’t have money. Without money fame is worthless. All the people are becoming more selfish day by day. No one has the feelings of respect towards others. Everyone seems to want more than others .  If any one says that he/she loves somebody by heart than there rise suspect behind his/her motive. Even in the families, there is no any proper understanding between the family members. Each n every relationship stands with a bound of selfishness. Here the part where i come from, people finding me weird,  coz for why am like this. Reason behind me acting weird or being strange is nothing new whoever knows me. m tough enough after what i have gone through, i don’t prefer to be manipulated anymore and prefer to hold up on my own not depending on the selfish world.  Well, people have lots of thoughts about me, but doesn’t bother me much coz i can’t help people what to think and what not to think, even answering to all the people also isn’t possible, so i just give a dame to what people really have thoughts about me.

When I feel like I’m not important to people, I shut them out of my life soon!!!  The less i think about the less it bothers me, so its just nothing particular in my life what special i am focus on.

Let life go on just, living with present, forgetting the past and not thinking too much about the future…

I tell you it’s okay, I lie…

I know I haven’t been writing for a while now and that is maybe because I’ve spent last 2 months pretty much just locking myself out of this reality… I am just hiding from the facts and living in the darkness not thinking about anything… what a waste of time huh? but when actually this is just a silence before the storm… I have been pretending to be smiling and let people know that nothing is wrong with me when it’s really not. I lie to myself… I tell you it’s okay, I lie… I say m ok, I lie… i say m fine without u, i lie… i say i don’t care about you, i lie…  Lie after lie… sorry for the lie… I only do that because it’s easier to believe I’m fine than talk it out when nobody really cares… It’s easier to cry it out when nobody ever hears… It is so easy…. so easy…  till it becomes a nightmare chasing you in your own dreams… What difference will there be if nothing has changed till this day? What reason is there to talk if it always ends up the same? How do you say, what you’re feeling, out loud when really there is pain. How do you make realize that nothing is ever fine. How do you make see – there’s nothing besides pain. You close your eyes and you fly… you close your eyes and you love… you close your eyes and you’re alive… You close your eyes to be alright. But when you close your eyes a tear falls… and another follows… you don’t control it anymore.. it’s not alright.. it’s not FINE, IT’S NOT OKAY. You start yelling… you yell.. you scream.. and then you stop… just for a second you stop…

You stop to realize that life is never fair, never been good… you see how all you are hurt… you see that it has been that way ever since you were a kid… U see how hard you have been gone through.. you see it all…. it takes a while to realize… you are on your own… you never were who you mean to be… you never will… you realize there was never who cared, as long as it’s further away from home… you see how people think what it’s like to be in your shoes.. when they really don’t see the truth… and you can’t get away with the truth… never could… but you know that you can b over all pain…

One day you tell it’s over… no more hurting … no more cry… you sit quietly and wait for the day… you close your eyes and you think of that day…. and suddenly you fall asleep thinking that soon… soon you will be okay…that soon you’ll fly away from this nightmare that has taken over your life… and then… then… then it really will be alright…. not because you have closed your eyes… but you have closed your heart.

exhausted…

 

SMOKING is INJURIOUS TO HEALTH

 

…. past few weeks or even a month I’ve been telling myself I’m exhausted from all the things that I’ve been doing, only now I realize I’m exhausted from not doing enough. I am exhausted from hiding myself from other in the dark place, from fake smile, from being fine, from being too good. I am exhausted from drinking & smoking all day night with a strong hangover the next morning. You may wonder how is it even possible, well it is. I’ve always considered myself a stone cold person, well but….. And apparently I’ve been trying to kill myself with an empty bullet. I had forgotten how much I need to keep moving forward, keep succeeding to be happy. I’ve lost my confidence and I put the blame on the wrong reasons. I know finally realize that I had forgotten to be the person I taught myself to be, I had forgotten who I am and was someone I was not instead..

There are a lot of ways to keep my life the way I want it, but in long term I know very well what I want – I  want success, I want money. And I can’t gain that by working at my current job or just crying for having nothing. I SACRIFICED N COMPROMISE MANY TIMES FOR PEOPLE AROUND ME but now its mine time; never too late for a start. I don’t know how it started, I guess the same old story– expecting too much, oh well, fuck that. I’m the only one responsible for my life yesterday, today and tomorrow. And I am the one who needs to take action to complete my needs and wants.

Of course I can’t deny that I have changed due to recent events in my life, but I can’t let myself to fall for the shallow life of people who only care about themselves…. I don’t think I should be focusing on future all the time, but how does it makes me cool? How does being busy make cool? I somehow started believing it is. And so what if it does? I’m not going for ‘cool’, I’m going for “money”.

No longer will I be the one that lives for others, no longer will I be the person to be lied to and being manipulated.

Yes, I do drink and smoke but at the same time I work hard keeping myself busy with work, not letting thoughts ride over my mind. I’ve let myself valued a lot for people around me as well as my work place, everyone trust me in this company. ISN’T IT ALL I WANTED TO HAPPEN? WHAT HAVE I EARNED?  Working hard even sometime doesn’t help, the right time and the right opportunity is what we all must wait for; missed many times in my life.

I don’t know why every time I seem to have found my way, I always lose it, but I always do. And that is the main thing I have to change in my attitude… in my actions.

See there is opportunity here also and I am happy with my work here, but now my life changed and lots of event r attached with this place.  I just don’t wanna tear myself apart before something goes wrong. I feel guilty for being selfish and breaking trust of many people round me but… Why? I don’t know. But if I continue this way, I will not be able to move on in my life…

Time for me to move on…

turn back…

I was looking through my blog and I couldn’t help but to notice that I haven’t posted anything since long time. I have many explanations, but those all are just excuses.

I guess I had blocked my site due to some people getting quite obsessive with my articles. I just want people to know that please don’t get emotionally attached. I don’t write to gain any attention or collect sympathy. Just my thoughts that i write. Truly appreciate for liking my writing but i don’t want any complication. Thankyou…

_______________

Sometimes I sit and stare at blank monitor for hours, sometimes I give up after few minutes. I was so desperate that I couldn’t express myself anymore, I felt the pain more than ever, because I had no place to let it out.  I was so desperate that I even wrote on computer where I was analyzing everything in my life – family, friends, situations, crushes, everything. And it helped. Almost. I’m still really confused, but hey, I’m here, I’m writing my pointless stuff again. I guess the real reason is the fact that I have a lot of stuff in my mind and I just don’t like the stuff I write but still i write. Feel better. I hope I can really write real stuff soon. I mean to write other things?

Maybe writing just isn’t my thing? How to find out? I don’t know. But I’m just going with the flow. Things I do. Even though everything is really complicated, I just try to be the simple me, nobody cares about my problems anyways, so I might as well hide them. Right now I feel like I’m doing a good job with that…. as much as I can. Let’s see where this…. where I go from here…