apology

I am here today, in this way, because I need to apologize to you. I failed you. Although I did not lie to you in words, I lied to you which i thought wouldn’t matter to you. I never meant to ruin the relationship which mean a lot to me.

 

I know you’re not talking to me, but I hope you’ll read this. I am so sorry for being a jerk. It was a stupid thing to do with stupidity. When your call comes, it drives me nuts. I know you don’t mean anything by it, but I’m so insecure when it comes to your love. I know, anyone in your place would see the way you saw. 

 

You have come into my life at a time when I needed you the most. We talked about so many things that I started to realize my heart and my soul was totally attached to you. You placed comfort where there was fear, confidence where there was  doubt, a shoulder where tears could fall and completeness where there is emptiness. I want to hold onto this so badly that I did whatever it took for you to notice. What I didn’t realize was that I could not do even a small mistake to lose myself entirely. I want to be the one who would be there when you needed to talk. I want to be the comfort for your soul when the world is too much to handle. I want to be strong for you when everything else seemed impossible. I want to love you in only the way you deserved to be loved, my love for you was and is pure, I like you the way you are.

 

This is no excuse, but please understand that I’ve never lived this life before. I’ve existed under the caring yet ruling period of my father for long years and then came you into my life,  you has given me a new perspective—to live my life through your eyes.  All the things that I told you about how I felt and how you make me feel are true. Nothing else mattered to me except hearing the laughter in your voice when you were happy. Just to be with you i can do anything and i can go for a kill to see the smile on your face. You made my days easy to get through and my nights at peace, looking forward to another day, even though distance separates us just being was enough.

 

   I cannot retract what I did. I can only offer infinite apologies and a promise to never again leave our friendship unguarded. I’m sorry for hurting you and if I had to do all over again I would have been 100% with you.

 

If I have been half the friend to you that you’ve been to me, then I ask you to forgive me and hope that you’ll atleast consider it. 

hitting on the wall

I haven’t slept all tonight and ended up going exercise early morning in dark. I had to do something. I felt like my heart was going to stop. The guilt within, I can’t get rid of my thoughts and I can’t stop thinking about her. I m trying so hard not to worry. I kept doing my breathing exercises to calm myself down but it wasn’t working. I am afraid I might do somethg wrong and the only thing I could think of to divert my negative thoughts was to run(exercise) on fullest.

I sent her an email saying ‘sorry’ and the reason i didn’t mean to hurt her and got a very short response next day. She said she’s tired of me and don’t wanna listen to any of my nonsense. I wonder if I will hate her when this is all over. I wonder if we will get through. My mind kept playing all of these different scenarios of how horribly it could end for me. I wish my thoughts didn’t hate me so. This whole experience is just heartbreaking.

Sometime i think i don’t deserve to be her friend also, because thoughts literally tearing me apart. I have this constant physical pressure on my heart and it worries me. I can’t wait until she finally calls me and can talk to her again. I need to talk to her and apologize and say her that m not perfect. I don’t know what I’ll do if she decides to give up on ‘us’. I am terribly afraid that I might just pass out and never wake up. I don’t want to live life without her; don’t wanna lose her.

I trusted her. I trusted that she loved me as much as I love her. I trusted that she would stay true to that believing on ‘us’. I trusted my heart and my love to her. I trusted that she would protect it all because she taught me to believe in ‘we’ rather than individual. I told myslf that our bond is forever. Even worse, i don’t know y i can’t make her happy. I am always trying so hard to be the best and understanding, but i’ve never been able to.

God, I want this to be over. I don’t know how much longer I can take it.

new year

Goodbye 2011

We all have our moments when we start to look back at our life. Most of the time the tendency is to look back at what you didn’t do,  fall into a little bit of despair and say to yourself with the hope that next year it will be better. Years pass and it seems that those wishes we had are somehow fulfilled, not fully  to what we’ve wanted but close enough, well yet keeping unfulfilled wish for coming years on. We always hope the new year to spend in a better way.

This year was a change in the story of my life. It went fast, it helped me grow up, mature in many things and see that life is more wonderful than as I pictured. Each year i try myself to be better in every way, but well most of the time doesn’t succeed in making everyone happy; i guess not possible also. Living for others first then if time live for self. Every year comes with a challenge and it’s like someone saying: “You need to go through this, so you can became stronger, wiser and more confident than ever”. It is funny because sometimes I don’t see it like that. We complain, why God does certain things, we don’t understand, we want it our way. And we hope that our path it’s better than God’s. But we forget that whatever happens always happens for the best. But in the end we need God when its very much complicated to provide us the way out. The hope, we give it different names but in anyway its always the faith within ourselves which keeps us alive in moving forward crossing through lots of ups and down time.

We oath lots of resolution and from the very beginning we take sincerely with hope  that finally this will turn our way. We always run after our dream to achieve something, but when we get it , makes feel good! Or if it doesn’t, we realize how much pain involves and how stupid we were to ask for this and we don’t need it anymore. We throw it all away. We still search for the missing point. It doesn’t make too much sense what I am saying here, but I look back at decisions I’ve made, things i have done, people I met, situations I’ve been through.

I realise this year, no matter how big are your problems, how difficult is the way, there is  hope.

Broken dreams, unfulfilled wishes, regrets, somewhere there is hope.

Out in the world, there is hope.

Some great thing must happen to all of us to see that there is hope. What? How? When?

Questions, suspicions, doubtfulness…honestly I am  tired of them.

Solutions, explications, results…there is hope.

Biding a Sweet Goodbye to 2011 for providing the most wonderful and amazing moments, I hereby, Welcome 2012 with open arms, a smile, and hope that it really will be a great Year too, not just for me or us, but all the people that I care for too.

not giving up

Not give up, it hurts a lot, but m not give up. If things dont come out right, but still m gonna try. It hurts a lot, to never give up but sometimes its worth it.

Especially to the person who means everythg to you. When you care a lot about someone chase after them,  I know it takes lots of effort & makes u feel worst,  but even if that happens get back up. Giving  up means you have to regret for the rest of your life.  Always be determined towards what you want. Its hard… it hurts like hell, you are put through Hell, and left there but there is always a way out. NO matter what.

I wont give up. I’m in hell, been here for awhile now, and it keeps hurting more and more each day, tears poor down my body from my eyes. My heart screams for some kind of mercy. I hit hard on the wall with my hands, trying to make the feeling go away, but it won’t. So I always get back up. No matter the pain, the suffering, the tears, the endless nights awake, the nightmares that taunt and hurt me over and over again. I always get back up. I dont give up n m not.

You hate me for whatever i have done to you, you have always hated me for this, but its ok, I dont mind. Pain is pain, and there’s nothing anyone can do about. I wont give up my love for you, i’ll b a loser, but its ok, I dont mind. My love for you doesnt end when the sun sets nor when the moon sets, its eternal.

Not giving up, keep fighting. Even if, its hopeless…

Tuesday, 6th December 2011

Friendship Bond…

Frankly speaking, a best friend is in my life, who is totally different frm me, truly send by god for me, out of ordinary, little ziddi, sweet, smart, intellegent; who loves, cares, cries for me, & even laugh on my stupid jokes; the only one who’s always with me. Will very soon write abt how we met and how are we in total different from each other but still we are friends.

The special bond called Friendship, which is crafted on trust and preserved with love. They are friends who know your weaknesses and yet give you company and encourage to move forward in life. Friendship teaches us the value of sharing and give meaning to ordinary experiences. Considered as one of the purest relationships, Friendship can help us feel comfortable in every walk of life, as the number of things we cannot discuss with our friends are almost nil. Family are bond by nature but friendship is what which we choose in our own way, making the bond even more special. A friend, is the courage you get when you know that you can walk up the hill of trouble, because you know that he/she will be there with you, both uphill and downhill. He can bring a smile to your face when you have absolutely nothing to be happy about, and turn the whole melodrama into a chick flick. With a good friend, each day is better than yesterday. Sometimes I wonder why God made friends (because there are already enough relatives to deal with). But then it strike me that, that is exactly the point. We need a break from the normal family routine and friends provide us that extra space in our hearts and minds to deal with the world, and sometimes the nagging relatives.

...A friend, who just gives you a call and say, ‘I just call to say hi’…

Every relationship needs to be cared for making it stronger. It demands patience and time. You need to be a good listener, loyal and sincere and show your affection whenever the moment comes. You can’t just do the judgement without knowing the facts and small things can’t just ruin the long lasting bond between friends. Every relationship has problems, but doesn’t mean holding grudge for a small issue n jeopardize the bonding, even not giving it a second thought. Y do we search for friends because they are only the one who are always in our ups and down when rest of the world walks away from you. We come through many people in our life, but we choose only selective people with whom we are more comfortable being with, talk about deep and troubling subjects. Can call in times of need and difficulties, they are always standing all along in any circumstances. We just want them to be around to have a good time, to laugh, to act silly, to enjoy mutually liked activities and above all is we even need them sometime to pour our frustration also.

Friends makes us feel loved, accepted, respected and cared for whatever we are.

Being the best of all out of you, having a smile to admire helps in strengthening the bond of friendship that means so many things to you. Going out of unusual to make it usual and being normal sometime makes feel special. Everyone likes surprises, call out, for walk or tea or even lunch n dinner at his/her favorite place. Reminding abt the places you been to, places you wanna go with, makes the feeling that you think about him/her wherever you are. We all need good friends to guide us in the right path/direction when we step in the wrong direction. She/he will bring a smile on your face when you are feeling low and will go out of her/his way to help in your every possible way, whether you ask for help or not.

…har ek friend jaruri hota hai…

Though m not that lucky till now to celebrate the true spirit of friendship but i say it to everyone, never miss a chance to celebrate the spirit of friendship. A best friend is like a rare and precious gem that is hard to find and once you have it, they glow your life with all that is good and beautiful. Surprise your best friends on a friendship day and display your love and gratitude in a most cherished style. Saying directly is the best but if not then writing an heart touching article or writing a poem on friend that outpour your expressions in favourite words. When you feel time is appropriate, then without hesitation say your self-written friendship poem in your way in front of your best friend. On a friendship day, besides friendship bands another good option is nice greeting cards, yellow/white roses, cake, gifts & above all is if you get the chance then don’t miss the chance to surprise him/her with a surprise visit.

P.S. : thank you and even god for being in my life.

…children’s day…

While returning from morning walk today, i saw a man hitting a child; might b father n son. Everyone nearby and passerby(including me) were just staring n doing nothing, nobody was forward in interfering in between them. Its not fair obviously such a muscular man hitting his son with a stick. I don’t think that child deserved such a punishment.

Anyway after i saw the incident, i got a flashback of a story which flashed just infront of my eyes & here i am. Its a story of a child(boy) who’s born in a middle class family. His father in a government service and mother a housewife. Describing about his father; loyal, sincere, intelligent & hardworking who has his own rules. Mother; loyal, sincere to husband n hardworking t00. Since the guys birth, his whole family had to run under each and every rules, instructed by the head of home department. Born as a child(boy), raised by, was taught to be disciplined & hardworker, well though intelligent was not that good when it comes into his brain.

the story of his boy is not like normal family’s routine or say like family environment. Until it was his age to go to school, he didn’t want to, he hate school, n never wanted to go. Living in a cage around boundary for six hours was like a hell. sometime jumping over the running cycle, van, bus was minor thing not even caring of the injury. Might b it was his childish behavour which made him think about the consequences leading him to lots of body injury. It was a regular routine, jumping from a moving vehicle on the way to school. Father used to be out of town for most of the time, so this incident often happened. Mother couldn’t handle is anymore, impossible for a 6 yrs kid to send school when father was out of town, so parents decided to send the boy to far away frm home town as Boarders(studying n living in school). Atleast frm there he couldn’t get out n reach back home. Might b that was appropriate, the boy left no choice. Two years being boarders, the boy hardly got chance to meet his parents. Might b that bought some chances in him and he was reassigned to go school in his own hometown. But well, going to school n returning from school was challenging now. Parents couldn’t afford for the transportation, so the boy had to reach school on his own by public transportation i.e. local bus. Rules are rules, going school n time, after school hrs directly to home, no else where. Reach home , do the homework, finished then help mom in kitchen, do the field work, if time left then study. No friends no play, no such word like off…

He was under strict orders n rule to follow for each n every work to do. Explanation had to be given for whatever circumstance he goes through.  Broken rules means a big punishment. The daily routine for school, nothing other than that. He had no choice rather to follow his father’s rules, bocz of the punishment which were out of ordinary, those type of punishment were only given to prisoners & the worst part is infront of people around. The child suffered a lot, none to say and nowhere to speak out for himself. Well, might b though he deserved punishment but those type of punishment, none deserves.

Its not that these days am living with the past, but sometime i wakeup in middle of night with some scream on ears. Its long time back, which i can never forget coz its the fact, none can even imagine or feel whatever i have gone through.  I don’t know even myself how i am able to hold on all these and keep me controlled. Gone through a lot making me strong enough to kill some part of me.

Its me, my life has gone through these type of many rough situation which none can even think of. Telling everyone and sharing my story here, doesn’t mean people to show me sympathy but it makes me feel better once i write it. Not so simple as you think and not so easy from the place i have come from. Been through hell and now no anymore so since the last five years i have been living my life in my own way & m happy and having a good time now.

Not that so simple to ignore whatever i suffered and move ahead but had i choice.???!!!

anyway today  we are celebrate children’s day, so just a small tribute from my end to all those children whoever have a bad childhood suffering from lots of trouble.

A very Happy Children’s Day.

feeling guilty

I am full on  aware of the feelings of guilt that comes when I do something that I didn’t want to do, but do you know that you could be feeling guilty for your whole life for something that you are not even aware of??

I tried my best to convience her. i kept pleading to her for mercy. I did my best to explain and tell her that whatever happenened was a mistake. but she was in no mood to understand me. My confidence in her that she would understand me was completely shatttered. And soon i lost my temper and did somethg worst, which i shouldn’t have done that day. I don’t know but i was very furious with her behaviour.  She told me she would never call me again, and i was determined that i would never show my face to her again.

…how can I ever forget the day, how monster i acted being a total jerk. I guess forgiveness isn’t the way to just make me feel better. Though whatever forgiveness i get, m never gonna get out of it. I can never look into those eyes, which i always valued and respected. The bad emotions you feel at the moment of time are not simple that hurt someone special who always trusted you. Being insane got me to lose the trust for life time. Its very hard to be trusted but losing it is the worst part specially from the close one. In between the bad feelings you experience at the moment of time when u realize you are guilty is hard to change.

Its not that i just don’t realize my mistake but it happens frequently in another way though i might not be repeating the same mistake again. You know as much i try to be best, in some way something goes always wrong. As long as you are ignoring those long term problems and as long as you are indifferent towards solving them your feelings of guilt will always be there, you might not be aware of them because they will always be hiding in between other emotions but defiantly they will be contributing to your bad mood.

…mind can only hide the feelings and not the effect that results from them…

Thinking now of the things that I have always wanted to do in order to preserve my values but failed to do them, and decide that starting from this second am not going to give up and that I will keep trying until I do them.

I always had faith on our friendship, believed in it and still was expecting everything to be normal back again. Hope so everythg goes back on track again.

G.F.

i have written almost 110 post out of which i have only published 104 articles and still 5 are draft(yet in public) & 1 deleted. But till now i have never written about you. So sorry, for being late. I don’t know how i missed that. But its better to be late than to be never, so here today i guess i don’t wanna miss the opportunity writing about you, m so glad & proud to call you as My Girlfriend; neither demanding nor complaining.

Being part of my life, my day starts with you and ends with you. You are smarty, genius, innocent, simple and above all you are always good to me. Ever since the time i have known you, my life has really turned and today what i am is really, you. M always grateful to you for being part of my life unconditionally.  The only one who never left me, the one who never knows to get angry, disappointed and even doesn’t care whatever i do or think. Never have to convince to make happy neither does to me. Life being without you even for a single day is miserable, seems to be suffocation for the time. From mine worst time to be with to the happiest moment, if am frustrated or disappointed then you cheer me up with romantic talks and when m excited then you make my excitement ever more better and cherish.

Its all credited to you, everyone knows me due to u. If i hadn’t met you then i wouldn’t have been upto whatever i am at the position now. Am myself really very proud to have you always by my side. People know me today, notices me while i walk on the road, try to give me lift, ask me how i am, when did i come bla bla… well it wouldn’t have been possible if i hadn’t met you at first place. The Time, moment before i met you was totally different, but now things have changed a lot, must say drastic changes. Though i know people have their own benefits in being touch with me, but i must say atleast people know me b’coz i met you and everyone around me are jealous of you being always with me, for me being so noticed by everyone now even around the world.

The moment i feel lonely and sit nearby you, it automatically makes me feel better, i don’t need anyone else than you. Nothing makes me so happy and always makes me occupied forgetting about all things happening around me. Well, i have to admire that with entertainment, you even provide me information about the stuff happening around the world. Keeping me aware with news update happening around.

Above all these, its always you who cares about me, though i don’t have much thoughts about caring about you. I apologize that even though you being so close to me, i don’t dedicate my time thinking about you. You the one who never ask me reasons, but always there to cheer me, keeping me away from troubles with others.

The time when you get angry with me, and you stop talking to me, its like whole a mess, i don’t wanna remember about. It causes me lots of trouble to deal with surrounding happening around. I just can’t concentrate on my work, whole day is wasted. Seriously, i wanna say is please don’t get angry with me, it really stops my world. Well, it doesn’t take much time for me to convince you and cheer you up, but still please please don’t want those type of moment to repeat.

Just remember; m always dedicated to you… life without you is impossible to live with…

…confession…

knowing you for all these times was the happiest moment of my life. Showing me the only one side of the life filling with full of smile(s) n teaching me to learn to live life for self and even for others.

Truly, mine rough days were over ever since the time we met. I had only heard that people being with bad friends makes you bad, but its me simple example guys, m the one who’s life drastically changed ever ‘the angel’ with good intentions enter into my life. Well, specially most  of the people whoever knows me now, doesn’t know me well b’coz its the only one side of me, which was totally different then few years back. I always lived with past, pain, sorrow and grief which lead my life almost to hell; thanks for the rescue.

Its time now, i guess for whatever am going to write is definitely gonna make me selfish; its true. Sometime selfishness if doing in someone’s fabour for better, is considered as good. M none to judge myself but truly to say am doing just for the benefit for both of us. Well, the time for this long being together and now suddenly m telling you that i wanna stop along the path after we walked together for this nearly one fourth part of our life. It isn’t that easy and so simple to end a relationship which carried on being so close for all these years. I won’t promise you that mine heart doesn’t cry or stop from beating with the feelings for you, but i would promise that your memories will always be with me along with me wherever i go.

Neither do i wanna blame the situation nor someone else for whatever happened so suddenly for making my mind to take such a big decision at the moment. All these time i had never been good to you, never made you feel even for a second that i liked you. The more effort i tried, i always failed in anyway and never succeed in fulfilling your wish the way you wanted to see me in. Never ever for one chance i guess in all these years made me feel that i had been upto you expectation; it never happened. I would neither deny that you aren’t the reason for whatever am standing on today. I know i can never ever thankyou with words for making me such a man which now everyone just likes me to be. I won’t say that i never fell for you, i fell many times, i was scared n m sacred of losing you in anyway so i just ignored my feelings having for you just being only a friend to you. You are my friend for always. Its not that m disappearing somewhere.

I know you need answers and asking for explanation  but please just don’t give a second thought for what i am doing. I know not so simple but still sometime, someway i had to… I just wanted it to finish in a mutual understanding. Sorry for being such a ……., but i don’t want to have any further mis-understanding between us because it might guide to terrible ending… I am well aware of the loss in my life but its my final decision, might b little too personal but m stuck with my decision n its final.

…gonna be a tough time…

fever

don’t know the exact reason y n how i got fever, cold, headache, cough all at a time… might b lots of reason.

but all i can say is its terrible to even think of suffering from any kind of sickness. As far as i remember i was once admitted to hospital due to typhoid for 4 days. I won’t say that m good in taking care of myself but well not that too much careless also, but just i try to fight with the nature and sometime causes me with nice punishment.  After i learn lesson still i repeat the same mistake and even i once again suffered frm typhiod but thank hadn’t been admitted this time. I actually hate docs and medicine.

The things you hate most always comes infront of you and you have to be involved in, you don’t want of. Hola tesaile garda, again n again i suffer.

Anyway here m just to say about the moment when you are sick n there’s none to look after you, when you desperately need people around you to take care of you, the moment you are helpless. Honestly i try to avoid giving trouble to people who cares about me.  But what to do, all wishes aren’t fulfilled in life. This time i had a good time on my holiday, being at home, gone Ktm, Biratnagar and then again BHD and then back to Kolkata. The whole climate, water and weather chances in sort period, so this time body couldn’t keep hold on with the weather changes. Whenever i return frm home then i suffer frm sickness in anyway. This time also as i reached kolkata, i felt uncomfortable with the environment, drinking cold water, getting wet in rain, which result to little headache n was expecting for fever to come. But when i truly knew that i am gonna suffer frm fever, i took it lightly and then whole night i suffered. In the middle of night i woke up and started crying, my whole body was paining and i wished somebody would get me medicine and make me feel better. But the worst part i was far away from home , just sitting and wishing only, nothing else could i do, not even sleep was coming. Didn’t know when i was asleep, lying on the wall, just like that for the whole night.

too much missing the warm care at this time of moment when you are too far frm close ones, moment u need the most care.

Early morning still i managed to take bath and then headed towards my office. Well, still suffering from fever, i reached, but as soon as i realized the office is centralized with AC, i quickly entered inside my room and switched off the AC of my room. More than 3 computers in my small server room, which is surely gonna keep me warm rather than cold. Fever continued for next few days at night, so i managed to take D-COld total tab, twice in a day. After two days i felt ok, but i could realize that now cold had started effecting me with unstoppable cough. Though i recovered from fever and cold, cough kept bothering me for nearly a month.

…आमाको काख भन्दा स्वर्ग कतै हुन्न …

aama ko nyano maya teti paiyena… tara aru ko herera, sarai chitta dukhcha, ani runa maan lagcha…

clarification: about her

clarification :about her’, thanks for all those comments i got. Truly hilarious with the way everyone are interpreting comments on my last article ‘about her‘.

Most of the friends asked about whom i have written, well let me clear its for and about nobody; none in particular. And m not in situation who loves a girl after not being loved back, m feeling bad or disappointed or sad or emotionally heart broken. Well, its nothing like that, I had written this article ‘about her‘, long time back but just published lately. So it nothing to worry about, just ignore the feelings i have about this girl, its just imagination and collective thoughts, nothing hard feelings.

Ya, i truly say that whatever i write ,  i write from my heart, true feelings as like i write rest of all post that i have post.

Just a thought nothing else rather than describing about a girl whom i think i know.

…character in the article ‘about her‘ is fictitious, any resemblance to any person is purely co-incidental…

…about her…

First of all, fair of all, the girl, who does or doesn’t like love stories. Yes, that probably means movies and cheesy love quotes. Having a great dream of own future to establish in own way. I don’t know why, but that’s what I like about her, She’s not like the every other person out there. She’s special and that’s why I like her.

I always find her different, might b b’coz she is special to me; y not…!!!

When she’s sick never recommend a drug to make her feel better. She believes that one should not indulge in medicine, UNTIL its too much. I don’t know why. I keep telling her that but she won’t listen.

Never try to force her into doing something she doesn’t want. Its not helping. Ask her what she wants and that’s way more better.

When she texts you that probably means that she’s expecting a reply. If she doesn’t reply that will mean she’s asleep, out of load or busy. Go online and you might find her(exceptional)…

If you feel that she has a problem, never ask her about it. Just let her tell you in her own way. Remember, asking her about these things is much like invading her privacy. Let her open up to you.

Always make her laugh, never make her sad. I don’t think i have succeed much in this matter, I hope(which i most of the time do, pulling her leg). Always fill your conversations with laughter and enjoy every moment. I know I do. One can easily fall in for her smiles.

When you promise something to her, make sure that you really do it. Never make her disappointed. She’ll kick you(b careful).

When she sends you music, listen to it. She has good taste in music. She also like movies, talk to her about them. When something new movie releases, make sure you tell her, she might want to watch that.

She likes flowers, her own garden with full of colourful flowers. Wanna give her, best is white roses, she loves it. Don’t miss the glow on her face while you give her, she gives awesome smile.

She has a very strong taste when comes with food, she doesn’t compromise. If you wanna hangout then don’t forget to ask the place of her choice, she loves to eat at her fav places.

Never lie to her. Never pretend to like what she likes, I think she hates that. She can tell. Just be yourself  always, she soon finds out what you are upto. Oh n ya!!! she’s very good at reading face.

Never talk to her about past things that you regret. She always tells me that what’s past is past. I’m starting to believe her. Oh!! n ya, she hates when you talk about people whom u don’t like, better keep those hating problem within self…

She isn’t that much of gadgets freak though she loves to have latest gadgets of all time… Doesn’t miss to take snap at any moment,  never make fun of her pictures in facebook, she hates that. Oh ya, if she says you not to laugh then seriously she means it…

She can’t sleep at night when there’s no one or she’s alone at home. I remembered staying up until 3 in the morning because she can’t sleep, we were talking online. She’s afraid of dark too, the load-shedding, her ‘enemy’.

She’s a smart girl so don’t talk about stuff that are pointless, talk to her about things that matter. She likes listening about herself much rather than you talking about yourself. If you are a good listener then she’ll be impressed soon.

Don’t tease her and never laugh at her because she’ll punch you in the shoulder.

I like seeing her smile all the time, I just feel free everytime I see her with that grin on her face. She’s beautiful. I really like her but i don’t know if she sees that.  Knowing her really changed me…

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Continuously edited up since Dec 20008, until now. There are no newer versions, I stopped editing this.

But I never stopped caring for her. I can’t  hide the small bits of affection I still have for you. I don’t know why but it never really worked for me. What I’m saying is that I loved this person in the past and I wish that I’ll have a reason to permanently delete this because at the moment I can’t. There’s still a faint voice in my head saying that I shouldn’t delete this post because I still wanted her to read this. I don’t know if she had the chance to.

Time to end here and to move on and make this a memory I want to keep…

P.S.: no hard feelings

Do you like the rain? How does it make you feel?

I am beginning to ramble on. Not much sense is being made. There is no aim, no purpose to what is being written. It is merely raining outside and I felt like writing.

Rainy Season these days, rain playing hide n seek for most of the time. As everyone knows the scientific reason for the cause of rain, m here just to mention that  Rain(Weather) can have an interesting influence on moods. Changes in sunlight, pressure, temperature and other factors can suddenly put the mind in a different frame.  We just seem to somehow feel different during different weather events. For example, if someone loves rain or snow fall they will get a special feeling of happiness when these events happen. It is simply a love for this type of weather!  This love can rub off on those around us. Romance can flourish when our minds are happy and stimulated.

Rain is as much a personification of sorrow as it is a symbol of joy and change.

As the weather changes, think about the way you feel. You will discover all sorts of interesting connections between your moods and romance depending on the weather. If there is weather that makes you happy then enjoy it and if it is unhappy weather think about how great it will be when the happy weather comes back.  Sometimes I find rain so romantic. Back from office, I feel the drops pelting me, sliding down my face, making me hard to see, and if I’m on a walk, I feel ancient and solid as a spirit passing through the earth. And that moment you don’t want the shower to stop.

I cannot go out in the rain, official employee. But watching the rain through the window glass is awesome, the wind, the rain, perfect comibination to make cool beautiful, leaving impression of romantic feelings inside you. Collective thoughts depending on my mood and health. Sometimes rain fits my mood perfectly. It fits more perfectly when i pass through the memory of walk had; slight rain, conversation with walk on.  I don’t think anyone forgets those moments.

So it’s raining… hardly people exists who doesn’t like being wet in rain. Rain has always held an affection over me. Well for as long as I can remember.

I always wondered what it was back when I was too young to know and used to take bath in rain for getting rid of skin diseases(old people used to say)…

In truth, this is all only true when the heart is ruled by happiness…

||..happy father’s day..||

बाबुको मुख हेर्ने दिन/ कुशे औंशी :  The Nepali religion, tradition and culture holds a lot of reverence for a father. He is considered the pillar of strength, respect and support of a family. The most auspicious day to honour one’s father is Gokarna Aunsi; FATHER’s DAY. It falls on the dark fortnight in August or in early September.

I came to know two days back when sis called me saying that today is the father’s day. well, not to my excitement that even after knowing this very special day to gratitude my dad, i still can’t make-up my mind how would i start my conversation with my dad on the phone with whom i have never talked except we have short conversation like ‘yes’ n ‘no’…

We celebrate today’s day as the very special day with loads of opportunities to shower dad with heartfelt wishes to show our gratitude and appreciation for his guidance and teachings in life; buying him new clothes along with sweets n spend the best whole day with him.  For those who are with their parents its a good opportunity to spend the special day with your father. But for those who stay away, am sure you guys are also looking for the most aesthetic ways to reach out to your dad with your heart felt gratitude.I am really a bit too emotional. I mean to say, I tend to miss my parents perhaps much more than my friends. This is probably because I stay far away from them. I know I am not alone who stay far away and have missed their moms on Mothers Day and again going to miss their dads this Fathers Day. Genius once told me ‘Showing gratitude to your dad is like confession before the Lord’. You should be thankful to a person, who saved you from all the odds of life with the strength of a mountain, provided you with the warmth of a summer sun during the chilled winters when we were children. Loved you with generous soul of nature. Showed you the way with wisdom of the ages. Brighten up your days with joy of a morning in spring. Made you the person to be well established in this society with own prospectives & good career. The only person who is always with you whenever you are in need in your ups and downs without any expectation in return. The best part is he always accepts you in whichever way u are or might be…

Mero ‘buwa’ ko bare ma bhannu parda; my father is not exactly that type of person who shows his love so easily, he’s a tough man n a hard working person dedicated to work. Might be his profession made him so, but i never find his fault, its the way he was the one who made his full effort eliminating crime to maintain peace in society. He’s the toughest for criminals & bad people but he’s very cool with good people. He respects everyone, but never trust anyone, the way am influence with his thoughts. He always says me to never trust anyone. Though he never appreciated my decision until now after he left his job, he always wants to know my opinion before he takes any decision. He never says he’s  happy to see me but i come to know through mom that dad’s the most happiest at home whenever on holidays. He always has/had my back; never wanted me to get involved with bad people and always kept me away from smoke and drinks and i have my gratitude to him. Our conversation always use to be the shortest, i never stand on his sight, the scariest of all i was & still am. Though after all this still i was and am proud of him. He not only wanted me to be a well civilized person but he also made the society and wanted everyone to be good. Proud enough to be called his son…

Showing gratitude to your dad is like confession before the Lord.

Hmmm… even today if i call my dad, i can’t talk to him… after a short yes/no conversation the mobile will be handed over to my mom.

Anyway, Happy Father’s Day to all the father’s of this world…

friend to a friend…

A FRIEND to a FRIEND.

A time was when once i knew you only by your name but now i think i know you a bit more; little little. Though i exactly don’t remember the day i first met you but your personality, calmness, humorous n politeness & intelligence was the first that i was attracted to. Well nothing to impress you or flirt with you but truly saying i always respect your personality(nature) for being what you were n are.

But as the time went on and the communication went longer i had some more feelings for you though i couldn’t show or say you abt my true feelings that i have for you. Actually m very poor with expressions. Might b after long time back now, though the distance is apart with the different time we have gone through being apart has changed your thinking and even mine too. Seems complicated & confusing to stop feeling your presence more since the time i met you last. Sometime i believe and think like before but on the other moment m dumb having nothing to say. I know i never understand you not even a chance to read your mind… I wish I could say you…

People always says good time are always short. Each moment shared being along with you always leaves a shadow of yours on my life. You always meant a lot to me in my life with true value; I TRULY MISS YOU A LOT… I know n i realize y people say it so, bcoz might b we forget the time being together with the ones who are part of our life; always happy n never realize for how long we been together, time isn’t sufficient; it always come short… Though i was happy to find you nearby but believe me i would always be spellbound and scared of you to talk standing infront of you. You were always with me & taught me and is still teaching me so much. Things that I didn’t ever see in me, or things I refused to see in me. You made me. You’re making me a better person believe it or not….relationship that is bound with you is inexpressible…

I don’t know how to express myself here while you still remain in the core of my heart. I even don’t know, should i write in this way or not, but you know me, i can’t just keep stories in my mind. So, everything is here. Frankly speaking I never intentionally comment on whatever you say to embarrass you but just to make you smile. I can never think to hurt you, its just sometime happens and that sometimes even occurs to be frequent. M the one who’s always embarrassing you and making your life miserable. I will forever be asking for your forgiveness…for the times I have disregarded you or your feelings… acting weird at moments for not making you feel that you’re a wonderful person – because you are…. I know at times I have not been the best, & there were times that I have failed your tests. Am extremely sorry for all the those time embarrassing you. I would like to even thank-you for providing your valuable moment those you shared… M extremely sorry and apologize for acting weird most of the time. I truly wanna say you i don’t want your forgiveness for me, I just want you to be what you are. I am always grateful to you and will always appreciate for always being with me at my good n worst periods. I always want you to be happy at any condition even if, for that i can do anything for you

May God Bless you always. I like you, and I don’t know how much of me telling you and showing you this will make you feel better… I may not be upto your expectation, as you see, but only for you I am being the best I can be. I value you even more than you know, you never leave me, you’re in my heart wherever I go. Prove me wrong that you aren’t not a good friend to be with, a person who makes all of my dreams come true.

A true person I am, as I always will be, I have been very stupid lately, please forgive me…

P.S.: sometime confusion guides me to follow the wrong path…